22 December 2006
This morning was crazy, woke up late, went running on the wet, soggy beach anyways, just in time for my roommate to jump in the shower before me, and boy does she love to shower. late to work as it was, no breakfast food, stole some of lisa's cereal. but driving through the alley caused it to spill through my center consal (sp?). that's right, two cup holders full of fiber o's and rice milk. i honestly thought of just eating it straight out of there for about 1 second, then i remembered all the dried spill sodas i had yet to clean up. yum.
and i must be PMSing...sorry if that was TMI, but i was listening to "baby its cold outside" yesterday and i found myself pissed off, that song is so messed up, the girl is just trying to be good and go home so her family won't worry and so they don't get into trouble, and he won't freaking let her leave! what the eff...than i stopped and realized what was happening. its a cute song, just a little messed up...
and i'm learning to dislike it all. thanks to some hacking and lieing going on my those who will remain nameless, i decided i don't like being apart of it. and he said, "hate the sin, love the sinner." but deleting myspace after almost 3 years of tons of memories, really kills me inside. so were gonna step back for a while. see what happens, but i really don't want to objectify myself that way.
and it was so sad, leaving disneyland last night because we were freezing our booties off, knowing were getting blacked out tomorrow, and we might not make it back for christmas. it will all soon be over. this christmas has definetley been the most cheery for me. maybe its the antique store, or the countless HB sweater parties, or "all i want for christmas is you" by mariah carey on repeat in my car, or the few, yet great, trips to disneyland with my favorite new season pass holder. whatever it was, i hope it was felt by everyone. as the cute little lady i work with wrote on a card to us today, MERRY EVERYTHING!
09 December 2006
i bought my first christmas present today, as well as a pair of nude pumps, they were only $5.00. So someones getting something from me this year, this is looking promising.
"...and wonders of His love, and wonders of His love, and www-oonn-dde-rrrsss of His LOVE." Joy to the world.
I can't wait for tonight, for the first time in a loonnnnggg time.
29 November 2006
17 units, i must be crazy, but not that crazy if you think about it, i'll be done in less than two years this way and then 4 more months of school being a possibility and part time teacher and part time facial girl, i think i could handle that. i love huntington beach, have i ever told you that?
oh mann, between the hours of 1pm and 5:30pm here at Lake Forest Antiques I feel pointless sir, next time i bring le devoir.
Last night it was amazing, truly unbelievable, i was on top of the world. I got to know my new bishop and were fitting me for a reccomend and a blessing. nothing could shake us now, we sat upstairs and shut the door to the questioning going on downstairs, and we talked all night about the glorious gospel and how we are each growing with each other and lifting each other up. goodness she's great. Alma 33:23. i will.
growing with every second, with faith in every footstep, it's like we're modern day pioneers "...the people in whose hearts i have written my law..." that's us!!
on friday, we did the unthinkable. with disneyland passes tomorrow there will be more.
05 November 2006
what a picture to paint.
going on 7 days of this ailment that i insisted on ignoring for so long, until it finally came up to me and slapped me with a fever. but sorry, life still goes on. but home this weekend milking every second of my momma's lovin'.
so it's looking more like italy next june, 4 weeks, including venice, rome and london for around 7,000. then mom will meet me and we'll go to paris to practice my parisian knowledge and austria because she loves that castle, and maybe greece to see if its really what it's cracked up to be. but i'll come home to great friends with great stories and a whole new view of what everything is. yea, that's awesome.
empty house. not so empty stomach, its so time for bed.
"where would i be right now, if all my dreams had come true, deep down i know somehow, i would have never seen your face, this world would be a different place..." -mason
nothing in particular, just interesting to think about, how i totally know for so many reasons, why byu and/or chicago were just not for me. singing this to me after longing for columbia so often lately has really got me happy. not to mention short trips home. home.
26 October 2006
tonight i got home and ate an avocado for dinner than headed off to the grocery store to simply look clueless the entire time. who knew baking could be so complicated. well when you're baking for the estimated 100+ people to show up at our little home tomorrow, some stress may be necessary. i hope everyone cleans up their messes and i come home to everything ready. we'll lock our door for sure.
and if i could make one wish come true right now, it would be for this frustration to end. a pleasant yet aggravating surprise last night, on his little skateboard down the street and then sitting so far away. it's almost like the fact that this would be worth it, that is making me stand across the room. quiet as ever.
halloween starts tomorrow. i will live my dream for one evening...shhhh they'll think i'm joking.
20 October 2006
midterms. right up until this point i really didn't think Long Beach was all that different from Moorpark. and what's even more odd is how relieved i am to figure out how wrong i was.
listening to Something Corporate when i should really blah blah blah....listen the point is this. this song takes me back to that one fourth of july when we sat on the roof of the parking structure with hundreds others of T.O.'s finest playing frisbee and eating otter pops. that's what the summers were about, and 5 new friends and my favorite green day sweatshirt. i don't know what it is that gets me so nostalgic whenever i hear andrew mcmahon's voice. and not to mention the countless disneyland and orange county trips, because we hated the LA scene, now i just love it all. i've given up on hating people/things.
happy 10 years Lake Forest Antiques, you will bring me headaches tomorrow, but after work will be rewarding enough, roommates and new friends. remember, i gave that other thing up. they're so lovely!
i think i've already made up my mind about what to do, shop or museum, but i'll keep the job.
13 October 2006
but rainy nights are really good to get homework done, i have absolutely no desire to be outside, or out of my house but inside still, doing something. socializing. having that infamous HB talk. so burnt out. plus portfolio reviews and midterms are coming up. let's be a good student kari. oh man nights and days like this make me want to go to a museum so bad.
and ohhh the blessing my new job has become, you know what happened today? my boss, aka Dennie, sat down with me and told me that i don't have to ever work sundays unless something comes up with her and she needs to go out of town or something etc. i hugged her and told her she had no idea how much that meant to me. i still don't think she does. everyones warming up to me, slowly yet surely i will have that place organized. bring it.
i saw her yesterday and we talked and it was so wonderful, she laughed at my jokes and i knew what she was thinking and it was all so familiar. "i miss you kari lynn." oh she has no idea how much i yearn for her. my arms tend to ache like a new mothers do for her newborn child. just come here. and the long hug goodbye and the tears in our eyes, we should meet weekly. it's decided, she's my best friend. i would go anywhere with her, anyday and i'd do it all for her in a heartbeat. the least i could do. momma i love you.
i finally got my death cab/jenny lewis tickets in the mail today. phew.
10 October 2006
i spent the evening in the 99 cents store and target buying halloween/fall decorations! yay! i find so much pleasure in being by myself listening to modest mouse decorating this newish home. and last night, i just watched, and it was fabulous. no longer afraid to be alone. thats why it was so pleasant earlier this evening, its all making sense.
that life, that life i had. full of 45 min. school/best friend trips and meeting at jamba before class when we really started to become strangers. that life of full-time kohl's with david and shelley and momma everynight to cry on and trev to chat art with. that life....it's gone. for good. not sure how i feel about this one.
08 October 2006
protect that shake dresden. you go girl.
"this whole thing seems strange to me, breaks my heart...to know what that means, it means nothing."
oh mason, how does he know how to speak my mind so well
i started my new job today! that's right my NEW job, the latest i get off is 7 and i work as an assisstant manager of an antique/consignment/vendor store...yup. everyone i work with is pretty much over the age of 50...so thats going to be rough, being 21 and their boss. seems to be the story of my life, flashbacks of "hey mom...i mean toni, could you please do this and that and this and that..." role-switching, i actually truly miss those days at kohl's. but this feels so meant to be. maybe if i get less lazy and less school-y i can make some purses and jill (one of my new bosses) will let me put them in a case and sell them. and maybe, just maybe, i'll be doing what i love for the rest of my life. until then, well, this is what i love too.
up the mountain, but its so exciting, but sometimes after all the YSAness of here and the new jobs and the classes of lectures i don't agree with and the old friend memories and the runs on the beach...all i want is a reminder of what it's really all about, and a talk with natalie.
05 October 2006
12 hours in a car with 7 people you don't know can result in the trip of a lifetime. and so it did.
and all day with gracie and archie proves that good friends are few and far between these days, grateful to have some here. girls night 2006. yea baby.
the tears that were so swollen the whole time, a prophet of God. amazing. i'd recommend it.
"what are you waiting for?" that's all he had to say and i was officially scared. he's right, i'm 21 and i want to own my own gallery and teach art history someday, but what i have done? so scared out of my mind i spent the whole day researching museums and jobs that can give me the experience i need. and tomorrow will be spent running around and gathering even more. on top of that i looked up new jobs, got a few to call today, trying to quit starbucks and not live that 80:20 lifestyle, if you know what i mean.
and i stopped by the study abroad booth yesterday...looks like my decision is almost official, Florence, Italy next june and july. yes pah-lease. they'll all be here when i get home right?
28 September 2006
i guess that's what they call real, i guess that's what they call teaching lessons, and sure i did, i will never be that girl, i will never be such an object. but i knew that thank you, and i almost believe that watching that was just as bad as anything you're trying to teach me.
modest girls are the hottest girls. gosh i love the gospel.
utah in 6 hours.
25 September 2006
strange how at home i am here. considering.
so i'm paying for it, making the mistakes of having fun on the weekends, sitting stressed over 5 pieces of paper i have to turn in on thursday with some of my most intellectual work on them, just to see if i'll make it in that capstone class...to graduate someday.
and the gym waits. and the phonecalls wait. and the sunny day will slip away.
but the weekend was great, friday was karaoke like never before, and saturday with that little almost 5 year old i'm beginning to find it hard to recognize anymore and then a party almost like the old times, almost. part of it is gone, well we are, and it was almost diffucult, but there's new friends and closer friends that i love so much more that a drive home helped me recognize.
but I'm going to Utah this weekend! yep, yep off to p-town with some of my new found friends. but i'll stay with the golden ones. and maybe, just maybe i'll go to conference. not just watch it on TV and fight my closing eyes, no, no, go and be in the presence of a prophet of God, oh how i hope this will be.
19 September 2006
but tomorrow and this weekend will bring good tides. i know it.
Constantly in my prayers for the family of 14...can you imagine the posterity he has left behind, taken at a time that just feels necessary. the pain, the tears that have been felt by all for their loving mother. i learned to love her all those nights at kohl's with her 15% off coupons she never had. and now she faces the hardest thing our Heavenly Father has ever asked her to do. i know how it is to lose, not so suddenly, but i will offer my words and thoughts and lessons i have been taught over these past 10 years and hope that they will be comforted and pulled through this, oh please let them seek out wisdom in this.
08 September 2006
02 September 2006
Can you even believe it? Reason number 456816 to love Ventura.
oh the familiarity, oh the reliability. what simple pleasures being around those that know you better than anyone you've seen in about 3 weeks. oh the joy. using all of natalie's new toys and cooking dinner with her, i'll just live vicariously through her until it happens for me...oh my favorite little home maker.
and i'm going home tomorrow, home. now i'll tell you it's strange because all in all i'm not what you would call "homesick" more of what you would call "lovesick". if that makes sense. but this place is getting lovelier and lovelier. can you even imagine it.
experience number one of procrastination today. oh school, now that i see that brighter side, i think i'm almost done.
one letter. ten months. their words. oh what does this all mean.
28 August 2006
Sitting in my room watching a slideshow and the tears falling because true love has that effect on me.
so it was only half a day, but it was a day at least, a breath of fresh air it is really, to be amongst them, to be apart of them. $300 dollars of art supplies and one French book later and i have this...my prayers have been answered.
"Just step aside and let go of the door handle and i'll let you in. Let me help you." and He has.
27 August 2006
running on the beach in the morning keeps the doctor away.
starbucks and a new haircut keep kari sane.
but the regret is lying deep within me for not making the traffic-y treck home tonight to see myself displayed for all to see at sir Alex's photography exhibit/show. i'm sorry friend, but know that you are loved.
HB. is for me.
14 August 2006
it seems to me that the black eyed peas are molding the way people talk. maybe it wasn't them, i don't know, but i'm slowly learning to dislike, yet love it all.
so i lied, i'm home still. but one more official week with luey seems alright. even though he hasn't moved from my long pillow all morning, he's working on his new mold, a new comfy spot. i think he knows whats going on, when i moved out my first boxes and things started becoming bare, he ran into my arms. little does he know it's not utah this time.
jury duty tomorrow and i think i'm just excited to have an excuse to sit and read all day without guilt of moving and/or saying goodbye looming over my head. i dont even get why people feel like they have to say goodbye to me, i'll still be kari, i'll still be in california, but i'll live next to the beach, so really i should be saying goodbye, come to me from now on. oh self-glory at it's finest.
aardvark's. nachos. fhe. more sleep. allergies are taking an all time high on the drowsiness factor.
11 August 2006
it's extremely magical about prancing around disneyland in a poofy blue skirt and homemade wings. it really didn't matter that there was occassional tension, which is just expected when hanging out with some work friends you don't know all that well. but i'll admit i woke up with the same love in my heart i've had all along for those 4 girlies. i miss them already.
i won a lottery that i will have to payback within 5 years...student loans, the new story of my life.
ok starbucks, teach me your devilish ways...just promise to make my car payments.
08 August 2006
phot cred: alex martinez
(i got my picture taken today by maybe the best photographer i know of, he's the best.)
panic mode. it officially set in about 20 minutes ago. realizing i have yet to pack anything. and to top it all off, i'm being so obsessive compulsive over my princess-fairy-cinderella outfit for disneyland on thursday, that i don't have time to pack, i need to have the most perfect fairy wings and skirt and shirt, and don't forget all those plans i've made, that are so hard to cancel. why oh why am i such a perfectionist suddenly? i hope this passes.
so it will be a gradual move, a very gradual move. i think i'm ok with that. driving back and forth from huntington beach about 5 times next week. please pray for Nona.
shedding tears for the first time in weeks, i almost forgot what we had, what it was, as time will let me. knowing i've chosen the right path.
05 August 2006
03 August 2006
life is good, things are very good, and friends are amazing. i love that i love all of them for my own reasons. even if its those exact reasons why it didn't work, or why we hardly ever talk, if at all, or why were the bestest of friends while my other friends have issues with that. it may just simply be the fact that i know these things about each of them, that keeps me hooked. really knowing someone is the root to a friendship, and i feel like i do with you all. i really dont care if you understand that, thats how fabulous it really is.
i can forgive and forget and i'm almost pretty much there. hope to hear from you soon.
30 July 2006
really just not sure. how these next two days are going to play out, aka how happy we will all be squished in a car for 5 hours on our way to remember her. 4 days with two munchkins has worn grammy out and frankly i could fall asleep right now and be ok with myself. but a 6am day looms over my head like a dark dark rain cloud.
and oh so greatful to have friends i can smile at. that sounds completely strange but it's understandable when their opening gifts for their whole new life and others are laughing so hard together and all the little snickering coming from some part of the couch, all in the company of the best of the best. aahhhh life is so grand these days since the changes.
"And the door took her place like a sheet of blank paper, and then a larger sheet of paper took the place of the door, and i drifted toward it and smiled myself to sleep."
you were right natalie. sooo good.
28 July 2006
and i ripped my ipod connector cord out of its socket and i can't get another one for about a month, i mean i have to use CDs...ick.
other than all that 2 little angels are making a mess in the living room that i'll clean up before the day is through, i love being an auntie...all in preparation for my own little lovkins someday.
26 July 2006
you know 10 years ago when i really got to know her...she was 85, and i thought she'd be gone before i knew it, grandpa had already been gone for 4 years by that point. but she lived with such a spirit, such a true zest for life that nothing would stop her, not even 14 years without him. she was growing lonely, and tired, living with her daughter who was almost in poorer of health than her. i just hope it was nice, for her to lay calmly to sleep and to know that she would wake up in a place those of us only dream of, he was waiting for her, i just know it. i'll miss you grandma, but i'll see you again someday....then, we will talk.
24 July 2006
listening to *NSYNC and remembering the past makes it hard to remember why i decided to grow up. even within the last year.
living in my thoughts and memories of thoughts of what it was like, the best parts.
now i know why they tell me not to live in the past, i honestly have to choose not to think about those things or it makes me go crazy. almost literally.
there's not much more that i love than waking up early, the crisp summer air on a jog and the doors are all open to let the cool air in the house while we still can, the fans are on but its really nice out, being awake and showered to wish my momma a good day at work, she does so much for us.
23 July 2006
i honestly thought i knew exactly where i was going with everything, and yes, goals are important, and i really have reached them and am reaching them, just not the way i thought i was going to be.
never did i think i'd be the one who was almost there. then i stood awckwardly across the room wondering what i could do, what i should do. that wasn't real. i'm not going to hold onto a hope of a time that could really be ours, but i will live knowing i can't tell the future, and for that i am glad.
i listened to azure ray today and thought about all those cold days and nights in the rain through pasadena and beyond i spent. and now the summer heat has warmed our souls into this. loving myself, loving you, loving life, who knew how self-less this could all really be.
now this seems real.
19 July 2006
"...folk singers sing songs for the workin' baby, we're just recreation for all those doctors and lawyers, and theres no relief for the bleedin heart ... rob says you love love love love and then you die."
remember when we drove all the way to the PCH. then, things were nice.
holding onto the memory of the excitement in my heart for my art history classes, zooming to class in my new corolla, because everything was fine.
12 July 2006
a couple nights ago i had a dream about going back to my old middle school and wanting to go visit my old band instructor, mr. tremonti, to tell him how much he taught me and how much those 2 1/2 years meant being in his classroom, he had faith in me, he knew my potential, and its only taken me 8 years to realize it, but i remember being so nervous all the time. and in my dream there was nothing different.
i saw a febreze commercial today and i thought about back in colorguard days, after we performed we would spray each other with febreze because we were wearing old dusty uniforms that were now drenched in sweat. we were so funny.
and this morning when luey, my cat, came and cuddled up next to me, i thought about leaving him again and how sad i'll be. and then i got sad about the old days in port hueneme when he was wild and little and i was in 4th grade, still with pigtails, guess not much has changed. he's always been there for me. i sound like a crazy cat lady, but its true.
i'm not sure what all these experiences are meaning to me, but they do mean something. as life goes by, as we all continue on our paths, things change, people change, but this heart has stayed the same.
i really need to take an allergy pill, the ones i got from stater bros., but they're 24 hour ones and i get my wisdom teeth out tomorrow morning. yikes.
a loss of appetite for a few days, but last night after we laughed and joked and got teary eyed together, i walked away hungry. this might be the best part of our relationship. the best of friends. that's a lovely thought.
10 July 2006
i tried i really did, to put some tunes on, but the first one was the song i listened too right after our first kiss, and the other one was when it was so right, every tune, every line meant something, something more than this girl can take.
scared of all the friends i may lose contact with
but so thankful for the best friend i've gained.
don't get me wrong, the pain is pretty much unbearable.
and it will be that way for a while.
lifeless limbs, aching stomach, soggy face.
but i still love him. and i always will.
21 June 2006
the mountain they call magic was just that with friends i almost forgot i had. and love so deeply. mel is 21 now. ha-ha.
and the zoo today with bright young spirits running from exhibit to exhibit. i can still see the tarantulas in my head...eeek, keep walking bella.
so i don't know what i'm even doing/going to do anymore. Long Beach are a bunch of poopy heads, and i just want to go volunteer at that museum in Riverside and take those steps towards becoming that person i love. But where will i live? who else will be there to love? will my momma really dissapprove as she has lately? i'm her baby, i'm moving away, for good. well, my rooms a mess. i need a place to live with mormon girls anywhere between huntington beach, ca and riverside, ca. help me.
late night conversations
"are you seeeeping?"
what was that noise?
trev speaks spanish in his sleep.
remember when, remember that.
a trip, a couple flashbacks.
but i wouldn't trade this for the world
12 June 2006
anthropologie was having a sale today. a big sale. i walked out of there empty handed.
i went to the thrift store and resisted the most perfect china set.
i substituted these cravings by making dinner.
a huge part of me wishes to be 30. y'know...decorating a home, cooking dinner, shopping at the market. and the thing is, i have always been this person.
then mel picked me up and reminded me what it was to be 21 again. park nights and skateboard lessons, hello.
11 June 2006
long beach hangs in the balance and so does my sanity at work.
gotta go get another ginger snap!
24 May 2006
the days are like this: up at 8, run/excercise/pamper myself til about 11, shop/run errands, work at night, have a good dinner, talk to gregory at night while i finally finish reading "the notebook". not too shabby my friends.
nothing has to "get" me through the day...it's nice being your own best friend.
only thing missing is the beach, and a cute new swimsuit.
"genius is childhood recalled at will."
21 May 2006
hello friend. my summer friend.
and this weekend, surprises and graduations and studying while i relaxed, like i've been waiting all semester to just lay down. and so i did, progress.
40 hours a week, catalina in two weeks, and then we will get serious about this moving thing.
16 May 2006
the fields of yellow blossoms, the golden yellow sun, the crisp green air, the swarm of gnats i hit...all made my bike ride worth it.
i find it strange that i wear tennis shoes more often during the summer months. if you can even call this summer. i walked around campus in a t-shirt today, so i will call it that.
so it's done, the paper, ready for a final review and then i'm just going to turn it in, all 10 pages of it. gah. this is what i wanted.
so i can't help but kind of be sad that this semester is over. i mean don't get me wrong, it feels great that summer is here, and my loves are home and we are about to party every night. but let's take a look back...
there was the fall semester
with french with jonny and all our ridiculous parties
photography with the ever-amazing John Gray with all his wisdom in life i soaked up every wednesday, not to mention chilling with John D. in the darkroom, i kinda miss that.
an aerobics class that did hardly anything, besides teach me to wake up early
and who can forget Gigi for art, "So...this is really cute, this guy Moses..." huh?
and there was a boy...who kept calling me, he must've liked me or something.
there was the spring
where it rained almost everyday
and i started getting fit immediately with Shilo's bootcamp
following a sickness that lasted all break
with Doyle's bad breath everyday seeping into the walls of that trailer, but everyday was something significant to him, that's what mattered, he taught me to be open, taught me what people want to hear, thank you stephen
and with Dyste's Urban Issues class where i seriously learned alot about my own home County of Ventura...sorry i never made it to class on time, but i will not raise my kids through a cell phone, i will not become fat, i will live authentically, fit and loving.
and there was Frank Sardisco...where do i even begin. he's given me the strength i needed to continue on in this art world, he thinks i'm a good painter, he gave me A's! "No more absenses! or i'll line you up against the wall and shoot you like a mad dog like you deserve!" we couldn't listen to our iPods so Sarah and i became pals and i became obsessed with Strawberry yogurt, and before we knew it, it was noon. thanks for the roses Frank...i'll never forget you.
and finally, there's Mr. Nils Slattum who kept me awake on those Wednesday nights with his quoting fingers followed by, "i hate it when i do that..." or how about the "nike says you're an individual, here, where this t-shirt." he gave everyone the benefit of the doubt, but i knew he saw the rest of us rolling our eyes as the clock ticked closer and closer to 10pm every week. He taught me discipline, i can write good papers, i can read novels in a week. "kari, you're a smart girl."
and that boy, well he's still around. a love of mine i never expected.
so you see, there's plenty to really be missed. my last semester at Moorpark College, and i must say it was a success. so a resounding thank you is due to them all really. and i think i'll do just that, i've been wanting to use those cards anyway...
2 days til summer for me. ok.
note to self: if you're laundry is in the laundry basket, just assume it's dirty, there's no need to smell it.
09 May 2006
so i was running my widdle heart out today and i put this song on my ipod as a jogging song cause i heard it on a friend's profile the other day and remembered i love the format, and as i was jogging to the beat i started listening to the lyrics and realized it's pretty much perfect. you know what i'm talking about. here it is:
"I can't stand to think about a heart so big it hurts like hell
Oh my gosh I gave my best but for two whole years to end like this
Well do you want to fall apart?
I can't stop if you cant start
Do you want to fall apart?
I could if you can try to fix what I've undone
Cause I hate what I had become
You know me, oh you think you do you just don't seem to see
I've been waiting all this time to be, something I can't define
So let's cause a scene, clap our hands and stomp our feet or something,yeah something
I've just got to get myself over me
I could stand to do without, all the people I have left behind
What's the point in going around when it's a straight line baby, a straight line down
So let's make a list of who we need and it's not much if anything
Let's make a list of who we need and we'll throw it away
'Cause we don't need anyone, no we don't need anyone
You know the night life is just not for me
'Cause all you really need are a few good friends
I don't want to go out and be on my own,
You know they started something I can't stand
You leave for the city,
Well count me out
'Cause all this time is wasted on everything we've done"
read it or skip over it, but it's just what i've been going through these past 24 hours. i can't say i'm sorry enough, growing up and growing out of it, that's what life is about.
i bought a CTR ring today and met a man that was getting married in an hour and was giving his wife to be a CTR ring as a wedding ring. he was also getting baptized in two weeks. now that's love.
and i barely have my thesis kinda figured out.
i don't think the blaring music from the headphones on the head of a 18 something girl next to me is helping any.
so it's going to be Cuckoo's Nest that drives me nuts. no pun intended.
i found this in my notebook from last week in class:
"so there's this guy in my class, and he's been a little off all semester, but today i was floored during our discussion on poetry when he said he did not understand why people would do something creative just to do it. people actually think that??"
do they? sheeesh.
i have yet to make a vat of potatoe salad tonight, as well as take a jog, as well as enjoy my only day off this week.
but i took a second earlier today to drink my smoothie and sit on that bench that was our bench my first year here. and i watched these people i recognize but dont know at all play frisbee, the sun had just peetered out and it seemed as if summer had already started for everyone. the smiles, the high-jumps, the t-shirts, and the "hey mann, i'm steve, you've got quite the arm on ya."
i think a little sun is all we needed.
07 May 2006
so now this is going to happpen...
i've had a falling out with someone who i thought was my best friend for the past two years or so. overcoming the hurt and pain in my heart of realizing what all of it really was required me to take a stand and to really figure out what it is to act Christ-like. it really opened my eyes because it was harder than i would've hoped it to be, to stand tall and act as Christ would/would want me to. i just don't want to feel like i have to throw away every reminder, i want to cherish what we had, but i have to know that she does, before i can.
and now it hurts, but it's getting better day by day. and there's this family i have, my loving sisters who get teary-eyed knowing i'm hurting, knowing my courage and my love was damaged. and there's my brother who talked with me all the way home from church, first time in months it seems, we've always been best friends. he's the one that really made me realize alot, y'know acting Christ-like, he pointed out i wasn't acting like who i am, who i know i can be. and there's my momma, the reason i believe to this day that i was sent to this family, i tell her everything, and she does nothing but support every word. and there's my old friends, who have always been there, despite how rarely we talk anymore, they're there. and there's my new friends, who i'm so excited to grow old with, because we are old, when we have dinner parties on saturday nights.
my LOVE is NOT taken for granted.
no more panics. no more pain. this is not my life.
baby, i want to go home.
02 May 2006
30 April 2006
so i had a best weekend coming up and this is what it was.
thursday to friday with someone who now won't return my calls. ok.
but it was friday night at eisley when we danced, like the only ones in the room.
and it was saturday, oh saturday. i'm over excited to go to Long Beach. i can't even explain it. the art program will give me the oppurtunities i need to continue on with the highest degrees of wisdom! being in the company of pure greatness. and the museum, oh the museum. everything was gorgeous, got my face noticed by the "education curator"...that is the goal.
and what is it about life? that makes us wonder all the time? is it the love, the laughs, the friendships? or just the compassion in general. the root of everything good it seems these days. the movie made me want to live in the South so much more. "Who's been feedin' ya?"
and mel is home, i turned into the little girl i once was again, always with her. and we're women. we're beautiful spirits living for Christ in our lives. they're home. i love it.
21 April 2006
today has almost been ackward, almost like i shouldn't explain any of it here, but i will.
i woke up, went for a jog, really worked until i felt that once a month pain that disabled me from running back home, so i power walked, like the old lady i am.
took me quite some time but i made it out of the house around noonish. fought over a gas pump and made it to school just in time to get what i needed and get kicked out because i go to a community college and they just dont believe on kids really doing their research. oh university how i long for thee.
then it was beautiful, as i lied down on a grassy knoll in the sun. stopped by work for a cake and some purchases. including a duck. he's yellow. and adorable. perfect for a garden. a dream one.
home in time to study a wee bit before mi momma came home and all was done. met mega and eddie for dinner at CPK. and this is where we are. i hope mega's day was better after stuffing her face with me. she will be married before i know it.
so i'm here. pulled my hair into two piggy's and now i will finish that research. but a full tummy and an interrupted jog can only mean one thing, and so i wish to apologize to everyone but mostly myself for thinking the things i will think in the next upcoming days. someday this will be worth all of this.
it's all i can dream about lately, i'm moving to long beach in August. thats 4 months away. thats 4 months of sitting across the table from the same two as tonight
onto Shakespeare. and oh Norah, where have you been these past few months. come away with meeee.
Photo Cred: ME; my life-The Santa Monica Mountains.
19 April 2006
it has to be the most beautiful day yet this year...and i'm about to leave for work, maybe i'll just stare out the doors wishing for my turn in the sun.
when i left school people were eating lunch on the grass and an old man drove by in his VW bus, and i wished i could be like them.
spring time, you're a jerk.
and me and sarah saw a nerdy couple making out in the arcade, in the wide wide open. seriously on the verge passionate kisses, honestly c'mon now.
17 April 2006
my phone died. i need to learn to plug things in.
10 April 2006
it was my birthday present. i went to Vegas. and let's clear this up now, yes i did pull some slots, and yes i DID beat Vegas, we were up 75 cents when we left! TAKE THAT Vegas, we beat you! it was different being in that car on the way there, listening to fall out boy and the like. taking me almost unwillingly back to where i was before my life had turned into something i love. we were having fun, or so i thought, i hear her side of it now, much different than my own. but i have loves, and they need me as much as i need them. not really sorry about that. the Bellagio has remained my favorite, so much class. everything is gorgeous there. one day.
and a after church nap was kindly interrupted by two of my favorite faces. i think i'm almost looking as forward to them getting married as they are. i think we all are actually.
when the crowd had gone-we sat talking for hours. a confirmation of love. lasting love.
"i need you to be mine, in the summertime, when the days are long and the nights are slow and sweet."
spring break is the ultimate tease of the summertime. i think i will be a much better friend once the sweet sun meets my cold cold arms and i decide there's nothing better than staying up all night and living in the moment with the friends i love.
Photo Cred: Me. Bellagio Gardens, Las Vegas, NV.
04 April 2006
i clean out my closet and/or drawers about once a month lately, and everytime i end up with a trash bag full to give to DI. what in the world. a couple things still had tags, but no receipts, my loss, someone else's gain. it's all the same.
i have cold feet. literally. the rain pounded at my window all night all the way into my scary drive to school...to find my classes were cancelled. but i finished that essay and drank something to soothe my aching throat. still in pain.
time to nap my aching head away. working tonight. i'm going to wear my fuzzy boots.
"With every word i live again Through the eyes of another; We'll meet at night wet from the rain And surprise each other With how we take away the pain; Could you be the one to find me safe and sound?"
-the lovely ladies of azure ray (as seen above)
02 April 2006
feeling the joy.
jenny lewis was just as amazing as i thought she would be. despite getting kicked out of our awesome front row seats by...oh thats right the rest of Rilo Kiley. punks. but we met her father, he brought her roses, and i was nose-y, and then we realized what had happened, mega called it, "did i mention my parents are getting back together again, its be 25 years, of spreading infection..." he's kinda exactly how i pictured.
there's a feeling flowing through my bones this morning, despite the fact that i missed conference and didn't realize until it was later that i actually woke up at 9:15 this morning, not 8:15...day light savings jerks. but this feeling is one of love. my best friend is back in my arms in full force this morning, that's enough. the family will be over later to celebrate 26 years of life in erica. congratulations. her purse turned out to be wonderful.
mega's convinced me, i'm going to make those purses, and ipod cases, and pencil pouches, craft fairs, beware, here i come. this summer will bring me someplace wonderful. my loves will be home in 3 short weeks. Eisley on the 28th.
there isn't a cloud in the sky today.
31 March 2006
i didn't have much of an appetite today, but feeling so low, i ate those sticky buns anyways.
you know the feeling? when you've been crying on and off for so long that your stomach just aches, and everything about you feels soggy. i just never thought she'd do this to ME, we're supposed to be best friends, i dont know what's happened.
i can't even think about anything without the tears welling up.
i know of nothing to do now.
i'm trying to finish this purse...it's not even how i wanted it. but i feel so empty today.
a new pair of glasses for me soon. i am old.
27 March 2006
i said, it's raining in Athens."
don't sing your child christmas carols, you're going to mess her up.
i make dang good ham sandwiches. dang Georgia.
ima little heart broken today. by those that surround me.
i'm sorry i'm happy, i guess that was in store.
i love me again.
i want to go home baby.
25 March 2006
one more day of working. i went running this morning and had to stop. because i am a woman. and my body would simply not allow that this morning. nonsense.
"we dont have time to watch t.v.
we read books
we go to museums
we have lovers."
-Tatiana speaking for her and I when another co-worker was asking us about a television show. love it.
my pancake is ready.
20 March 2006
meet da baby.
i consider myself lucky for not falling off last night. maybe it was the stiff as a board trick that worked. maybe that explains my stiff neck today.
so you want to know what it's like to be me today?
i love working out to ghetto music.
i love painting and getting frustrated and walking to the student store to buy yogurt to soothe my pain.
i love shopping at target and buying new colors.
i love my managers at work, they love me and help me out to see my love, because they know it makes me happy, and they want that because they love me. and i make them cookies.
i love driving home in grey skies, before the down-pour.
i love baby faces, one in particular, to distract me.
i love family dinners on week nights.
i LOVE LIFE.
don't let me forget that.
almost more than that i love being a woman. i eat lots of chocolate and have an irresistable yearning for babies. i always do, but now more than normal. i swear its more often than not.
19 March 2006
there is a new face in my house. a short smiley one who giggles at the sight of her dad, convincing us all that she thinks hes goofy lookin'. good food, good cookies and my new favorite love in my arms, i was in heaven lugging her around and bouncing her on my lap, twisty turny maneuvers to grab another cookie without her eating it first. we're best friends now, she told me so. amanda marie, i love you. oh babies.
my brother goes to Art Center in Pasadena. i can't even describe how awesome he is. the news of a lifetime. that means this fall will include many trips to pasadena to vicariously live through him and grasp as much of his education that i can. congratulations.
first sunday in a long time i have to work. me no likey.
i'm sorry i'm moody, i'm sorry i overreact, i'm sorry i don't think clearly sometimes.
14 March 2006
i didn't even realize i hadn't eaten all day until i finished my nachos. from baja fresh. i'm sorry i'm such a heffer.
ok ok i'll read now, but dont make me sit on the creeky creeky bed, no no i say i won't do it.
to the couch with me.
we finished the chocolates. i love these nights, i really do.
las vegas: april 6-8. i am 21.
i will go to Europe, i will live there. i will see these paintings "in their originality" as she wishes for me. i will live my dreams.
and then i helped an older gentlemen with the thickest Southern accent i had ever heard, and it made me nearly faint right there at the cash-wrap.
"have a good day!!"
"you do likewise."
can you imagine it? the drawl and compassion and true honesty in that simple statement out of his mouth...it gives me goosebumps.
but first. strawberry yogurt. yessss.
12 March 2006
so lately, and by lately i mean 21 years. i haven't been so sure how i feel about myself. that may sound strange, but think about it, how do you feel about yourself? so i've been evaluating and evaluating, and dont worry i'm no where near a right answer. but i do know the parts of me i am sure about, and i do love. so i'm keeping those. stay strong in the gospel, lift up those around me, love everything.
i do love bobby darin.
i do love dancing.
so now i will eat this cadbury egg and not look at the pooch my stomach will be afterwards. because i know i'm worth more than that, i know who i'm striving to be. and theyre not going to slow me down that way anymore.
there is a bunk-bed in my room, luey has tried to commit suicide twice tonight, this is going to be a long month.
08 March 2006
It all seemed to start yesterday when the photo date was wrong at Chuck-E-Cheese
Me and Liv really were birthday twins.
Getting all the tickets we could, just for the sake of doing it.
Angelic faces to kiss.
I woke up this morning with a smile on my face, to turn 21 in 4 hours...
Showered, got ready, my birthday outfit, alwasy the best one of the year.
I was going to be the latest I had been yet this semester, but it's my birthday
Some frost on my window, my day is def. not in spring this year, bummer.
A good morning-birthday wish from my drowsy love. Starting the day off right.
Such a good work out, and some paint on my hands taking the gardenia I've been looking forward to all semester. White and pure, like today. Thanks Frank.
So many text messages, so many voice mails, realizing, i am loved. They do think about me as often as i do them.
The light within all of them truly shined into my heart.
And there's Becca. i love her spirit.
And there's Mega, almost forgetting and I couldnt help but laugh. i love her.
And there's Dusty, so far away, i miss him.
Loves, loves, loves. a million more it seemed.
California Pizza Kitchen. I was saving my appetite all day to savor those slices of pure genius. i love them. Don't forget my peach lemonade. extra peachy.
The mall, the girls, Build-A-Bear. They are very 4 and 3.
"Are you having a boy?" yes, she thought i was pregnant. i'll have caution the next time i wear that dress. officially in my 20s when that is conceivable.
"Auntie Kari, my next birthday i will be 4!"
"yea thats right Liv, and i'll be 22......
Harsh reality. bitter-sweet.
Home. More birthday love. Myspace style, so sweet.
My heart is glowing.
Birthday cake and ice cream in my room, it IS my birthday.
Quick nap. Mike called. One and a half weeks there will be a baby in my home. i long for that girl.
Remember who you are kari. Remember who you love. He has given you blessings. Learn to keep you head up. Stop cycling through this.
"Happy Birthday Darling, we love you very very very very very very much."
sorry if this was all a big ego trip on my part. but i needed it.
life is beautiful. thursday will be a good day.
"i really like the original flavor of Trident. it brings me back to being 8 years old. which i like even more."
"Nike says you are an individual. Here, where this t-shirt."
Happy International Women's Day.
ART: Kai Althoff
05 March 2006
it all started with a little rain and a yellow rose, now i'm left with clear skys and a scent still so strong.
birthdays are for the best of us. tacos, funfetti, lemonade, love of the family persuasion. a new sewing machine and an easier way to pass the time. i really enjoyed their hugs today, just the nearness of them. two pieces of cake may have been a mistake. somethings rotten, and stomach aches.
you left your shoes.
04 March 2006
so were half way into the chillest weekend i've had ever. looking onto the chillest week ever, because the second week in march always is.
olive garden with fettucine and two friends i couldn't be happier for. this is the life i tell you. be happy, live happily, think happily, love happily.
im almost counting the hours until i get to be at home with my family and show off my love and eat tacos and drink lemonade. sundays are definetley my favorite day of the week.
i hear its sunny outside today...we wouldn't know.
we live in a beautiful world, yea we do, yea we do.
photo cred: George Mobley, Chile 1972
02 March 2006
desperately trying to keep a clear outlook on things today. despite words and/or thoughts and/or actions that are trying to tear me down. trying to tear this spirit down. what happened here. my thoughts have been so consumed, its almost like going on vacation and coming home and realizing life has moved on without you. well thats the school side of it at least. work is a slap in the face, and home is getting tougher, for all of us. sunshine, roses, art, music...keep me sane. i hate whining, but this shouldnt be seen as that, more of a look at what the adversary can try to do while your happy. keep your head up beautiful.
a wonderful weekend ahead of me after just one more night of working...
28 February 2006
feeling groggy and somewhat washed up, it's 5:10 in the evening and the sun is still outside, i know what this means, summer is coming, or at the least, spring.
21 in one week. oh where has the time gone.
27 February 2006
i am blessed.
torrential down-pour. the streets were like glass reflecting beautiful color after beautiful color. the slowest of slow times at work. if only they knew (or cared) why i keep skipping today. soggy socks, a wet nose, feet heaters are of the gods. nobody at school, nobody in the store, funny how Southern California shuts down on these days.
i am tired, i am sore, i am thirsty, i am restless, i am loved. and i love.
photo cred: me, rte. 101, feb 2006
25 February 2006
There's something depressing about eating an orange ,standing in your kitchen, alone. I'm sick of being alone.
So those little 6th grade insecurities of mine showed their heads when they began discussing bowling, which I was never invited to, which I'm never invited to, not that I would go, but I really thought they liked me.
Naked ladies in the bathroom, receipts thrown at me, 60 something men hitting on me, getting off early because my manager has compassion on my soul...all in a days work.
I mean, we've had crushes before, but "nothing this severe."
Tomorrow the sun will shine again, on us.
Photo Cred: Me, Silver Strand, CA feb 2006
24 February 2006
i ran out of cotton candy, so i've turned to an older strawberry, i can't stop licking my lips. ick.
faithfulness. that's a simple word. alot like love.
coca-cola. i love you.
22 February 2006
grapefruit juice is of the gods. kings of convenience and my ear phones really are hurting my wittle ears today. i bet the cayman islands are nice today.
i am sitting next to the most gorgeous pink gardenia i think i've ever seen. thanks frank.
"The blessings of eternity will surely come to those who endure refining, as the Lord himself taught, "He only is saved who endureth unto the end." I testify that Jesus is the Christ and the Divine Redeemer. He lives! His are the sweet words of eternal life."
-James E. Faust
there's a pain in there today. i said it, it came out, now i know why. i havent been making sure, i havent been true to myself. i have to keep reading it, i cant do this alone.
this is just in: humans were made to reproduce.
21 February 2006
sandy beach, lots of blankets and a literature book. sure, we got some studying done. Sunsets are always better in Port Hueneme.
it's winter again. a happy warm home again. this fall has become a reality.
"...and let thy love abound unto all men, and unto all who love My name."
somewhere in 2 Nephi.
life may suck until Sunday comes again.
20 February 2006
woke up to a crinkly-crankle and soft hum of a boy playing the piano in his home. the snow outside was glistening from the blue sky. our cold breath and i couldnt do anything but watch him struggle to get us home. success and cold hands down a familiar hill.
current obsessions: strawberry yogurt and Rob's Cape Honey Wheat Pretzels. that is all.
17 February 2006
do you ever eat a whole apple and then think...where'd the sticker go?
a whole box of conversation hearts will make you sick.
baja fresh and two bowls of ice cream will too.
running, thinking of one and one only, knealing on the side of the road, eyes clenched tight. i love being a woman. this one wouldve been healthy i just know it.
Photo cred: me, J.Paul Getty museum fall 2005
the Getty in the sun-shiny spring, i am going there someday.
10 February 2006
something so precious, so undisturbed. absolutely amazing. changed my outlook on things, my perspective on life on this planet. almost as good as duck love, almost.
3 amazing youngin's to brighten my somewhat gloomy day at work today. as i turned to see two chubby identical blue-eyed faces looking at me, my uterus skipped a beat.
claim jumper+my momma+penguins=best friday night in a long time.
Been sent up, and I've been shot down
You're the best thing that I've ever found
Handle me with care
Baby, you're adorable
Handle me with care
I'm so tired of being lonely
I still have some love to give
Won't you show me that you really care
Everybody's got somebody to lean on
Put your body next to mine, and dream on
funny how true this is ringing in my ear.
pretty petite flowers, sun through the windows. summer, come here.
08 February 2006
"you get back in bed and come back when you can notice the rose in the vase instead of the dust on the table." what a great momma.
there's so much love in today. congratulations to friends soon to be sharing the rest of their eternities together. again, i can't think of anything better.
can't wait for tomorrows laughs and sunshine. come home.
Photo cred: Richardson; Lanai, HI 1996
06 February 2006
So many laughs, but she didn't really say anything funny, did she? True friends sharing laughs and looks.
"Everyone, may i introduce the most beautiful woman in the world, MY wife!" -Frank
Malicious attempts by those i love. thank you for being so happy for me.
"And it's a simple situation now that we became us; there ain't no rust on the happiness bus"
natural highs are the best.
Photo: Kasmauski "Boyd Family"
04 February 2006
Congratulations to Ben and Carmen! To be sealed for time and all eternity March 11th, i can't think of anything greater right now.
"Love and obsessive-compulsive disorder could have a similar chemical profile. Translation: Love and mental illness may be difficult to tell apart. Translation: Don't be a fool. Stay away."
Painted my brains out tonight. Talked to two people i miss greatly. Managed to be incredibly distracted by the OCD of my paintbrush both times. I like that he can tell these things about me.
Photo by Kasmauski "A shoulder to lean on" South Caroline 1994...another reason to live in the South.
03 February 2006
i smiled alot today...knowing who i am. and who i'm striving to always be like...Him.
01 February 2006
I believe there are few people in this world that we meet, within which lies a deep connection of our two souls. This friendship cannot be learned or gradually gained. It's like art, you can learn all the skills, but without talent you have nothing. This connection you are born with. And I'm embracing every moment of it.
I work with a lady who was born in Bulgaria, she went to medical school and is a trained neurologist...and she is now living in Southern California working at Kohl's due to the fact that her schooling is no good in America. She is a genius. We take our lunches together and she tells me of her country and the love they share there in their now ex-communist times. She makes me laugh harder than most people I know, with her whit and bluntness, she has no fear, no shame, she will tell you as it is. "What kind of bird you are?" she asked a co-worker of ours who was dressed as a 20s flapper with feathers in her hair on Halloween. She takes joy in art and I take joy in her love for it. She is teaching me day by day to be who I want to be, love who I want to love, live my life while I am young and to not marry until I'm 30. I love this woman, I'm sure I always will. She tells me to move to Chicago and "live in the arts"...we shall see. When I told her of my possibility of moving to Long Beach to stay close with family and friends, she almost seemed dissappointed in me...the look on her face still strikes my heart.
I seemed to be inspired after I talk on the phone with him. This is good.
sometimes i think my lips look like fakes. i always make faces and when i look at the picture or look in a mirror its never what i think i'm doing...and today it was a revelation, its my lips, theyre ginormous. but i think they're nice. not going to lie, i like that black part of me.
people making friends with others or striking up a conversation in classes...99% of the time they are complaining and expect me to join in. but i love that class. be true to yourself for once.
this place is so lovely, it kinda makes me very happy.