24 May 2006

we were children.

i went grocery shopping. then going back to my car i put my key in my trunk and wiggled it around for a while...until i realized. oh yeah, this key sucks. i miss you keys, come back to me.

the days are like this: up at 8, run/excercise/pamper myself til about 11, shop/run errands, work at night, have a good dinner, talk to gregory at night while i finally finish reading "the notebook". not too shabby my friends.

nothing has to "get" me through the day...it's nice being your own best friend.

only thing missing is the beach, and a cute new swimsuit.

"genius is childhood recalled at will."
-charles baudelaire

21 May 2006

all over again.

sleeping alot, lots of TV, lots of snacks, waking up tomorrow whenever i feel suitable, but in time to watch regis and kelly and half of the view.
hello friend. my summer friend.

and this weekend, surprises and graduations and studying while i relaxed, like i've been waiting all semester to just lay down. and so i did, progress.

40 hours a week, catalina in two weeks, and then we will get serious about this moving thing.

16 May 2006

Do you see the face of God?

ick, this cold really needs to hit the road.

the fields of yellow blossoms, the golden yellow sun, the crisp green air, the swarm of gnats i hit...all made my bike ride worth it.
i find it strange that i wear tennis shoes more often during the summer months. if you can even call this summer. i walked around campus in a t-shirt today, so i will call it that.

so it's done, the paper, ready for a final review and then i'm just going to turn it in, all 10 pages of it. gah. this is what i wanted.

so i can't help but kind of be sad that this semester is over. i mean don't get me wrong, it feels great that summer is here, and my loves are home and we are about to party every night. but let's take a look back...
there was the fall semester
with french with jonny and all our ridiculous parties
photography with the ever-amazing John Gray with all his wisdom in life i soaked up every wednesday, not to mention chilling with John D. in the darkroom, i kinda miss that.
an aerobics class that did hardly anything, besides teach me to wake up early
and who can forget Gigi for art, "So...this is really cute, this guy Moses..." huh?
and there was a boy...who kept calling me, he must've liked me or something.
there was the spring
where it rained almost everyday
and i started getting fit immediately with Shilo's bootcamp
following a sickness that lasted all break
with Doyle's bad breath everyday seeping into the walls of that trailer, but everyday was something significant to him, that's what mattered, he taught me to be open, taught me what people want to hear, thank you stephen
and with Dyste's Urban Issues class where i seriously learned alot about my own home County of Ventura...sorry i never made it to class on time, but i will not raise my kids through a cell phone, i will not become fat, i will live authentically, fit and loving.
and there was Frank Sardisco...where do i even begin. he's given me the strength i needed to continue on in this art world, he thinks i'm a good painter, he gave me A's! "No more absenses! or i'll line you up against the wall and shoot you like a mad dog like you deserve!" we couldn't listen to our iPods so Sarah and i became pals and i became obsessed with Strawberry yogurt, and before we knew it, it was noon. thanks for the roses Frank...i'll never forget you.
and finally, there's Mr. Nils Slattum who kept me awake on those Wednesday nights with his quoting fingers followed by, "i hate it when i do that..." or how about the "nike says you're an individual, here, where this t-shirt." he gave everyone the benefit of the doubt, but i knew he saw the rest of us rolling our eyes as the clock ticked closer and closer to 10pm every week. He taught me discipline, i can write good papers, i can read novels in a week. "kari, you're a smart girl."
and that boy, well he's still around. a love of mine i never expected.

so you see, there's plenty to really be missed. my last semester at Moorpark College, and i must say it was a success. so a resounding thank you is due to them all really. and i think i'll do just that, i've been wanting to use those cards anyway...

2 days til summer for me. ok.

note to self: if you're laundry is in the laundry basket, just assume it's dirty, there's no need to smell it.

09 May 2006

o jerusalem.

so i was running my widdle heart out today and i put this song on my ipod as a jogging song cause i heard it on a friend's profile the other day and remembered i love the format, and as i was jogging to the beat i started listening to the lyrics and realized it's pretty much perfect. you know what i'm talking about. here it is:

"I can't stand to think about a heart so big it hurts like hell
Oh my gosh I gave my best but for two whole years to end like this
Well do you want to fall apart?
I can't stop if you cant start
Do you want to fall apart?
I could if you can try to fix what I've undone
Cause I hate what I had become

You know me, oh you think you do you just don't seem to see
I've been waiting all this time to be, something I can't define
So let's cause a scene, clap our hands and stomp our feet or something,yeah something
I've just got to get myself over me
I could stand to do without, all the people I have left behind
What's the point in going around when it's a straight line baby, a straight line down
So let's make a list of who we need and it's not much if anything
Let's make a list of who we need and we'll throw it away
'Cause we don't need anyone, no we don't need anyone

You know the night life is just not for me
'Cause all you really need are a few good friends
I don't want to go out and be on my own,
You know they started something I can't stand
You leave for the city,
Well count me out
'Cause all this time is wasted on everything we've done"

read it or skip over it, but it's just what i've been going through these past 24 hours. i can't say i'm sorry enough, growing up and growing out of it, that's what life is about.

i bought a CTR ring today and met a man that was getting married in an hour and was giving his wife to be a CTR ring as a wedding ring. he was also getting baptized in two weeks. now that's love.

all we needed.

it's been 4 hours.
and i barely have my thesis kinda figured out.
i don't think the blaring music from the headphones on the head of a 18 something girl next to me is helping any.
so it's going to be Cuckoo's Nest that drives me nuts. no pun intended.

i found this in my notebook from last week in class:

"so there's this guy in my class, and he's been a little off all semester, but today i was floored during our discussion on poetry when he said he did not understand why people would do something creative just to do it. people actually think that??"

do they? sheeesh.

i have yet to make a vat of potatoe salad tonight, as well as take a jog, as well as enjoy my only day off this week.
but i took a second earlier today to drink my smoothie and sit on that bench that was our bench my first year here. and i watched these people i recognize but dont know at all play frisbee, the sun had just peetered out and it seemed as if summer had already started for everyone. the smiles, the high-jumps, the t-shirts, and the "hey mann, i'm steve, you've got quite the arm on ya."
i think a little sun is all we needed.

hellllo sir.

07 May 2006

cold water surrounds me now.

so now this is going to happpen...

i've had a falling out with someone who i thought was my best friend for the past two years or so. overcoming the hurt and pain in my heart of realizing what all of it really was required me to take a stand and to really figure out what it is to act Christ-like. it really opened my eyes because it was harder than i would've hoped it to be, to stand tall and act as Christ would/would want me to. i just don't want to feel like i have to throw away every reminder, i want to cherish what we had, but i have to know that she does, before i can.

and now it hurts, but it's getting better day by day. and there's this family i have, my loving sisters who get teary-eyed knowing i'm hurting, knowing my courage and my love was damaged. and there's my brother who talked with me all the way home from church, first time in months it seems, we've always been best friends. he's the one that really made me realize alot, y'know acting Christ-like, he pointed out i wasn't acting like who i am, who i know i can be. and there's my momma, the reason i believe to this day that i was sent to this family, i tell her everything, and she does nothing but support every word. and there's my old friends, who have always been there, despite how rarely we talk anymore, they're there. and there's my new friends, who i'm so excited to grow old with, because we are old, when we have dinner parties on saturday nights.
my LOVE is NOT taken for granted.

no more panics. no more pain. this is not my life.

baby, i want to go home.

02 May 2006

two and a half years.

let me run from all the years of wasted space.

and i promise you i'll never change.