what's the sensual massage for....??

were big fans of this sorta thing these days...




really just not sure. how these next two days are going to play out, aka how happy we will all be squished in a car for 5 hours on our way to remember her. 4 days with two munchkins has worn grammy out and frankly i could fall asleep right now and be ok with myself. but a 6am day looms over my head like a dark dark rain cloud.


and oh so greatful to have friends i can smile at. that sounds completely strange but it's understandable when their opening gifts for their whole new life and others are laughing so hard together and all the little snickering coming from some part of the couch, all in the company of the best of the best. aahhhh life is so grand these days since the changes.


"And the door took her place like a sheet of blank paper, and then a larger sheet of paper took the place of the door, and i drifted toward it and smiled myself to sleep."
-Sylvia Plath,

you were right natalie. sooo good.

RIP myspace.

no i did not delete my myspace...but it's saying i did and frankly that scares the crud out of me...all those comments and blogs and emails that will never be replaced. i feel sick.


and i ripped my ipod connector cord out of its socket and i can't get another one for about a month, i mean i have to use CDs...ick.



other than all that 2 little angels are making a mess in the living room that i'll clean up before the day is through, i love being an auntie...all in preparation for my own little lovkins someday.

she was 95.

my great grandmother has just passed on from us to be with her true love...

you know 10 years ago when i really got to know her...she was 85, and i thought she'd be gone before i knew it, grandpa had already been gone for 4 years by that point. but she lived with such a spirit, such a true zest for life that nothing would stop her, not even 14 years without him. she was growing lonely, and tired, living with her daughter who was almost in poorer of health than her. i just hope it was nice, for her to lay calmly to sleep and to know that she would wake up in a place those of us only dream of, he was waiting for her, i just know it. i'll miss you grandma, but i'll see you again someday....then, we will talk.

six-twenty am.

listening to *NSYNC and remembering the past makes it hard to remember why i decided to grow up. even within the last year.
living in my thoughts and memories of thoughts of what it was like, the best parts.
now i know why they tell me not to live in the past, i honestly have to choose not to think about those things or it makes me go crazy. almost literally.


there's not much more that i love than waking up early, the crisp summer air on a jog and the doors are all open to let the cool air in the house while we still can, the fans are on but its really nice out, being awake and showered to wish my momma a good day at work, she does so much for us.

sometimes i can't help but wonder what happened to it.

so this isn't what i planned. but somehow i'm in love with it all, even that simple thought that i failed at planning it all.

i honestly thought i knew exactly where i was going with everything, and yes, goals are important, and i really have reached them and am reaching them, just not the way i thought i was going to be.

never did i think i'd be the one who was almost there. then i stood awckwardly across the room wondering what i could do, what i should do. that wasn't real. i'm not going to hold onto a hope of a time that could really be ours, but i will live knowing i can't tell the future, and for that i am glad.



i listened to azure ray today and thought about all those cold days and nights in the rain through pasadena and beyond i spent. and now the summer heat has warmed our souls into this. loving myself, loving you, loving life, who knew how self-less this could all really be.






now this seems real.

as can be.

i always have the best hair moments right before i crawl into bed, under the covers to impress the world of my dreams. there, things are nice.



"...folk singers sing songs for the workin' baby, we're just recreation for all those doctors and lawyers, and theres no relief for the bleedin heart ... rob says you love love love love and then you die."


remember when we drove all the way to the PCH. then, things were nice.


holding onto the memory of the excitement in my heart for my art history classes, zooming to class in my new corolla, because everything was fine.

allergy medicine from stater bros.

the mornings are the hardest. waking up half conscious, not really understanding my state of mind. but then i talk to that friend of mine, and i realize the sun is out.


a couple nights ago i had a dream about going back to my old middle school and wanting to go visit my old band instructor, mr. tremonti, to tell him how much he taught me and how much those 2 1/2 years meant being in his classroom, he had faith in me, he knew my potential, and its only taken me 8 years to realize it, but i remember being so nervous all the time. and in my dream there was nothing different.

i saw a febreze commercial today and i thought about back in colorguard days, after we performed we would spray each other with febreze because we were wearing old dusty uniforms that were now drenched in sweat. we were so funny.

and this morning when luey, my cat, came and cuddled up next to me, i thought about leaving him again and how sad i'll be. and then i got sad about the old days in port hueneme when he was wild and little and i was in 4th grade, still with pigtails, guess not much has changed. he's always been there for me. i sound like a crazy cat lady, but its true.


i'm not sure what all these experiences are meaning to me, but they do mean something. as life goes by, as we all continue on our paths, things change, people change, but this heart has stayed the same.



i really need to take an allergy pill, the ones i got from stater bros., but they're 24 hour ones and i get my wisdom teeth out tomorrow morning. yikes.

a loss of appetite for a few days, but last night after we laughed and joked and got teary eyed together, i walked away hungry. this might be the best part of our relationship. the best of friends. that's a lovely thought.

i wouldn't have missed it for the world.

a silent car drive.
i tried i really did, to put some tunes on, but the first one was the song i listened too right after our first kiss, and the other one was when it was so right, every tune, every line meant something, something more than this girl can take.

scared of all the friends i may lose contact with
but so thankful for the best friend i've gained.
don't get me wrong, the pain is pretty much unbearable.
and it will be that way for a while.
lifeless limbs, aching stomach, soggy face.
but i still love him. and i always will.