14 October 2009

Would you come with me?

As I drove to work this morning on soggy streets a couple songs came on.
The first reminded me of being 19/20 years old in Provo, UT. It reminded me of my first boyfriend (yes my first boyfriend was when I was 20, and I'm proud of that), it reminded me of being unconditionally kind because I lived in Utah, and that's what I felt like you should do when you live there.
The next song reminded me of being 21 years old in Huntington Beach, riding my bike (or a borrowed roommate's bike most likely) down soggy beach paths listening to a song that spoke to my heart about a boy I knew I could love if he just gave me a chance, thank goodness he did. But more than that, this second song reminded me of a time when I could go weeks (weeks) without eating dessert, of a time when I would eat so healthy it was weird to some people but so practical to me, of a time when I would go running everyday rain or shine, of a time when I would skip studying for midterms and go to Disneyland instead.

These thoughts flooded my body and I tried to control them so as to not make myself sad and then I tried to think of all the things I have now, because they are the things I wanted then, I just never knew what else would come with them.

Then I read Cjane. If you don't read her blog, you should, you'll want her as your bff.

Anyways, she posted today about being a woman and some advice her neighbor gave her. Granted, her situation is different than mine (i.e. she's with child and has a child and recently went through family trauma) but I feel like it relates nonetheless.

She wrote:

"'There is a point where a girl becomes a woman.' She said. A point where a woman becomes a female warrior. Where her life is no longer a game, it is a genuine battle. Not to survive only, but to survive and be strong.

I think I must be transitioning over the threshold, because I still find myself embarrassed for what I lack. My jokes were funnier, I was clever-er, my ability to keep it all together was intact . . . back then. But now I am in that awkward stage where I am not secure in becoming WOMAN

"I used to be this or that" or "My brain has gone to mush because . . ." because they've had babies, or because they've devoted their lives to other people, or because they've crossed the line of girl to woman, I always think It won't happen to me. Please, don't let it happen to me. But I see now how it happens. Big dreams seem too distracting, physical energy turns into spiritual examination, gray hairs appear. You change, dang it, you just do.

So I've changed. Have I become a woman? Why does that seem to happen as girls get married. I was a 23 year old girl the morning of my wedding day...I look back now and think of all the things I worry about and think about and realize, is this what Women do? I guess so...Or will I not become a woman until I get a baby inside of me? Will that be the transition? ...And I honestly have to say, no. It's happening as I write this, it started happening when I fell in love and knew it was for good and it will keep happening until Robert and I share our 50th anniversary...I don't think it will ever end.

So ok, I'm not as appreciative of this process as Cjane is (I'm getting there alright?!). I am still going to try desperately to get back into my old habits and lose these few pounds I've put on since bc took over my life.
But for now, I simply take comfort in the simple fact that: you change. and might I add, and it's perfectly normal and welcomed.

To read Cjane in all her glory go here:

08 October 2009

that hill was big and long.

  1. I'm staying with my mom this week, she had knee surgery and I am on my shift as her in-home nurse. After 19 years of amazing raising, its the least I could do.
  2. I ran the path I used to run when I lived at home. And I almost died. I am SO out of shape. Guess that flat-cushy-beautiful ocean view path in Newport was doing NOTHING for me.
  3. I made meatballs last night and bread pudding tonight all with my mother's guidance from the couch and my food tasted like hers! It was amazing, I really felt like a woman.
  4. It gets down to 38 degrees at night here. I'm in California still right?
  5. I'm watching the Golden Girls and giggling like a little girl, Sophia is me when I'm 70.
  6. Our new apartment is so fun, our new couch is so fun, my huge new kitchen is so fun.
  7. I haven't worked on my crocheting yet...that's bad. But I need blue yarn.
  8. My little niece Nadia is coming tomorrow morning with her mom, I love them both so much.
  9. Robert just reminded me that The Office is on and it's Jim and Pam's wedding...gotta go cry my eyes out.