the terror.

i just walked out. and i sat on a bench and i cried. i could barely even believe that she would show us that. why would i ever subject myself to that. funny that i kinda knew it'd be ok for me not to go to class today, but i went anyway, and left. once the hymn started playing in my head the tears started to swell and i couldn't believe the overwhelmingly obvious absence of the spirit, the same one that was far away yelling at me to walk away, just walk away!
i guess that's what they call real, i guess that's what they call teaching lessons, and sure i did, i will never be that girl, i will never be such an object. but i knew that thank you, and i almost believe that watching that was just as bad as anything you're trying to teach me.
modest girls are the hottest girls. gosh i love the gospel.



utah in 6 hours.

over it.

i'm just writing this as a reminder to just live my life and love what i love because it's me and i love it, and to say what i say because its me and i love it, and to be a hermit like i love, because it's me and i love it. take that pierside.

strange how at home i am here. considering.

constant battles

so i'm paying for it, making the mistakes of having fun on the weekends, sitting stressed over 5 pieces of paper i have to turn in on thursday with some of my most intellectual work on them, just to see if i'll make it in that capstone class...to graduate someday.
and the gym waits. and the phonecalls wait. and the sunny day will slip away.

but the weekend was great, friday was karaoke like never before, and saturday with that little almost 5 year old i'm beginning to find it hard to recognize anymore and then a party almost like the old times, almost. part of it is gone, well we are, and it was almost diffucult, but there's new friends and closer friends that i love so much more that a drive home helped me recognize.



but I'm going to Utah this weekend! yep, yep off to p-town with some of my new found friends. but i'll stay with the golden ones. and maybe, just maybe i'll go to conference. not just watch it on TV and fight my closing eyes, no, no, go and be in the presence of a prophet of God, oh how i hope this will be.

sick. sick. SICK.

so it's struck me once again, stopped me dead in my path to recovery, almost like it was sayin' "i don't think so little lady." so work thinks i'm a slacker and school is going to suffer, but in the meantime, i'll sit TV-less in my empty house dieing for a jamba juice.

but tomorrow and this weekend will bring good tides. i know it.



Constantly in my prayers for the family of 14...can you imagine the posterity he has left behind, taken at a time that just feels necessary. the pain, the tears that have been felt by all for their loving mother. i learned to love her all those nights at kohl's with her 15% off coupons she never had. and now she faces the hardest thing our Heavenly Father has ever asked her to do. i know how it is to lose, not so suddenly, but i will offer my words and thoughts and lessons i have been taught over these past 10 years and hope that they will be comforted and pulled through this, oh please let them seek out wisdom in this.

similar issues. almost.

so i sat in class on tuesday almost getting teary eyed by the thought of Nils, and Frank, and Gigi, and even that poli. sci. jerk. why is it that i'm so dissapointed by my new professors? i mean they're actual professors. but it could be better. i find myself uninspired and doodling in my margins to keep some artistic stimulation going. so do i search for a new school? or do i tough it out and really search next semester? ask around, talk to my counselor. or is this just all a sign for the worst, that i'm just not cut out for this art history thing. but what about my gallery, and my curator job at the MOCA? it has all felt so right for so long, now this? and then i think what about nutrition? or fashion? or skin? but i'm so far so i'll get my bachelor's and maybe sign up for that watercolor class at the community center and see what my heart says then. and for tonight, i'll just go shake it like a polaroid picture.

come on in.

Can you even believe it? Reason number 456816 to love Ventura.






oh the familiarity, oh the reliability. what simple pleasures being around those that know you better than anyone you've seen in about 3 weeks. oh the joy. using all of natalie's new toys and cooking dinner with her, i'll just live vicariously through her until it happens for me...oh my favorite little home maker.

and i'm going home tomorrow, home. now i'll tell you it's strange because all in all i'm not what you would call "homesick" more of what you would call "lovesick". if that makes sense. but this place is getting lovelier and lovelier. can you even imagine it.

experience number one of procrastination today. oh school, now that i see that brighter side, i think i'm almost done.



one letter. ten months. their words. oh what does this all mean.