Pip.

Reading "Great Expectations" by Charles Dickens. Robert's been a Dickens fan for a long time (hence his yearly reading of 'A Christmas Carol') but this is my first crack at the classic. And it's ridiculously good.

"I am indebted for a belief I religiously entertained that they had been born on their backs with their hands in their trousers pockets, and had never taken them out in this state of existence." (on the working class)

"That was a memorable day to me, for it made great changes in me. But, it is the same with any life. Imagine one selected day struck out of it, and think how different its course would have been. Pause you who read this, and think for a moment of the long chain of iron or gold, of thorns or flowers, that would never have bound you, but for the formation of the first link of one memorable day."

Would you come with me?

As I drove to work this morning on soggy streets a couple songs came on.

The first reminded me of being 19/20 years old in Provo, UT. It reminded me of my first boyfriend (yes my first boyfriend was when I was 20, and I'm proud of that), it reminded me of being unconditionally kind because I lived in Utah, and that's what I felt like you should do when you live there.

The next song reminded me of being 21 years old in Huntington Beach, riding my bike (or a borrowed roommate's bike most likely) down soggy beach paths listening to a song that spoke to my heart about a boy I knew I could love if he just gave me a chance, thank goodness he did. But more than that, this second song reminded me of a time when I could go weeks (weeks) without eating dessert, of a time when I would eat so healthy it was weird to some people but so practical to me, of a time when I would go running everyday rain or shine, of a time when I would skip studying for midterms and go to Disneyland instead.

These thoughts flooded my body and I tried to control them so as to not make myself sad and then I tried to think of all the things I have now, because they are the things I wanted then, I just never knew what else would come with them.

Then I read Cjane. If you don't read her blog, you should, you'll want her as your bff.

Anyways, she posted today about being a woman and some advice her neighbor gave her. Granted, her situation is different than mine (i.e. she's with child and has a child and recently went through family trauma) but I feel like it relates nonetheless.

She wrote:

"'There is a point where a girl becomes a woman.' She said. A point where a woman becomes a female warrior. Where her life is no longer a game, it is a genuine battle. Not to survive only, but to survive and be strong.

I think I must be transitioning over the threshold, because I still find myself embarrassed for what I lack. My jokes were funnier, I was clever-er, my ability to keep it all together was intact . . . back then. But now I am in that awkward stage where I am not secure in becoming WOMAN

"I used to be this or that" or "My brain has gone to mush because . . ." because they've had babies, or because they've devoted their lives to other people, or because they've crossed the line of girl to woman, I always think It won't happen to me. Please, don't let it happen to me. But I see now how it happens. Big dreams seem too distracting, physical energy turns into spiritual examination, gray hairs appear. You change, dang it, you just do.

So I've changed. Have I become a woman? Why does that seem to happen as girls get married. I was a 23 year old girl the morning of my wedding day...I look back now and think of all the things I worry about and think about and realize, is this what Women do? I guess so...Or will I not become a woman until I get a baby inside of me? Will that be the transition? ...And I honestly have to say, no. It's happening as I write this, it started happening when I fell in love and knew it was for good and it will keep happening until Robert and I share our 50th anniversary...I don't think it will ever end.

So ok, I'm not as appreciative of this process as Cjane is (I'm getting there alright?!). I am still going to try desperately to get back into my old habits and lose these few pounds I've put on since bc took over my life.

But for now, I simply take comfort in the simple fact that: you change. and might I add, and it's perfectly normal and welcomed.

To read Cjane in all her glory go here:

http://blog.cjanerun.com/

that hill was big and long.

1. I'm staying with my mom this week, she had knee surgery and I am on my shift as her in-home nurse. After 19 years of amazing raising, its the least I could do.
2. I ran the path I used to run when I lived at home. And I almost died. I am SO out of shape. Guess that flat-cushy-beautiful ocean view path in Newport was doing NOTHING for me.
3. I made meatballs last night and bread pudding tonight all with my mother's guidance from the couch and my food tasted like hers! It was amazing, I really felt like a woman.
4. It gets down to 38 degrees at night here. I'm in California still right?
5. I'm watching the Golden Girls and giggling like a little girl, Sophia is me when I'm 70.
6. Our new apartment is so fun, our new couch is so fun, my huge new kitchen is so fun.
7. I haven't worked on my crocheting yet...that's bad. But I need blue yarn.
8. My little niece Nadia is coming tomorrow morning with her mom, I love them both so much.
9. Robert just reminded me that The Office is on and it's Jim and Pam's wedding...gotta go cry my eyes out.

left-behind feline.

So there's this apartment in my complex, it's on the first floor right next to the stairs that go up to the tennis courts which lead to the pool, etc. - a path often traveled. This apartment was particularly interesting because of how well they had decorated their quaint little patio with plants, outdoor storage, weird iron wall plaques, etc. Not only this but they had 3 cats and a big golden retriever, all stuffed into one small apartment. It was these animals that I'd always see passing by on my way to the gym, sometimes one cat in particular was out - a orange tabby cat - and it would meow at me sometimes and I'd pat it's head and continue on my way. These cats were free spirits, they did what they wanted.

Then one day I went to the gym and the wall plaques and elaborate storage devices were gone. The family of pets had moved out. My heart sank a little, but rested assured that they had moved onto bigger and better things.
And it was later in this same day that as I was getting out of my car just home from work I noticed a orange tabby cat sitting on those stairs that lead to the gym. The cat looked at me and meowed super loud multiple times. I thought, 'Could it be that this family of pets has left one lonely cat behind because he was out and about and missed the moving process all together??' I walked over to pet it and it sort of shunned away from me. This made me think this was not the same cat I had grown to love all those gym-filled mornings and I continued on my way. I told Robert about my encounter and that I thought I should leave some tuna out or something but he didn't believe it could be the same cat, and the more we talked about it, so did I.

Until within one week I saw that same loud meowing cat about eight times...and soon I started seeing cat food piles hidden in bush corners or at the top of the stairs. It seemed I wasn't the only one who thought this cat was alone and most likely starving. I felt satisfied in other's achievements of sparing some cat food for this left-behind feline.

I hadn't seen the cat in a while until this morning as I was walking to the parking garage. It trotted by me with a dead mouse hanging from it's jaw, the cat looked skinny and ramped, but still friendly somehow. He walked right past me like something out of a movie, like we were the same him and I. And I couldn't help but chuckle to myself and think, good for him.

the end.

falling into fall.

circa October 2006

Every year around this time (well for the past 2 years...) as the cold weather happens sooner in the day and the shadows cast richer by 3 o'clock I revert back to when this was all new to me. Back to when life as I knew it was changing, and boy I welcomed it with open arms.

I remember blogging less and less and keeping what I said about him vague and mysterious as to hope no one would figure it out. It was something so special and so sacred to me that I just couldn't express my feelings if I tried.

On the 26th of October 2006 I first mentioned him:
"...and if i could make one wish come true right now, it would be for this frustration to end. a pleasant yet aggravating surprise last night, on his little skateboard down the street and then sitting so far away. it's almost like the fact that this would be worth it, that is making me stand across the room. quiet as ever."

It was my first clue as to his interest, but I refused to believe it.

On the 29th of November 2006 I wrote:
"...on friday, we did the unthinkable. with disneyland passes tomorrow there will be more."
It was our first date. It was unthinkable because it actually happened. Little did I know that 2 years later we'd be on our honeymoon at that time.

Finally on the 3rd of January 2007 I wrote:
"...it's real, it's fun, it's genuine, it's slow, and it's just what I needed/wanted. oh, ro-bear."

It was final, my heart had been stolen. I was his forever, and I knew it. Even though the thought of him and I being official boyfriend and girlfriend still freaked him a little(hence us dating for so long).

We were there to stay. and so we stayed and here we are. forever.


So this is fall to me, a time to wear new coats, new boots and old faithful scarfs. Decorate your home in rich pumpkin colors and admire the power of this world in the storms and magnificent clouds. Also, enjoy freezing empty nights at Disneyland with the love. And remembering it was this miracle of fall into winter that brought us together.
Disneyland, December 2006

love you shmoops.

go away.

So if you see me within the next 5-7 days and I'm covering my mouth and/or you just can't figure out what the heck is all over my lips/chin. They're fever blisters...so cut me some slack.
Apparently fever blisters are often a reaction of sun-poisoning...yeah, turns out me getting sunburned and then coming home and sleeping for 20+ hours, wasn't just me being tired from a day of fun and sun and Dramamine. And I Guess that bright red shiny face that turned into a lizard skin face that turned into a flaky itchy face simply wasn't enough for my body. Now I'm officially a monster that is addicted to Carmex.

Downfalls: It was really hard to eat my tomato-cheese-basil pizza at lunch.
Upfalls: I'll probably be on a strict diet of Yogurtland and Golden Spoon all weekend :)

Weird fact: for the past 3 years in a row, I've gotten cold-sores/fever blisters/whatever you call them around the August/September time of year. I even have one in the pictures of the day we got engaged to prove it.

Done rambling for now.

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My memory of 9/11:

I had just returned from early morning seminary. I walked in my front door and my brother, Trevor, shook his head and kept watching the TV. My mom, having heard me walk in the door ran out to me and hugged me and said, "Have you heard? It's just awful..." in that sweet motherly tone she does so well but it was tainted, tainted by fear and concern. It was her tone that assured me that this event was something that would change our lives and history in the United States. We watched together on her bed as my mother sat with a hand over her mouth and a furrowed brow for a good long while. There was nothing else to do or say.

That day I learned two things: 1. The wars that I had only read about in textbooks were still a very real thing; and 2. I could always rely on my mother's instinct in times of trouble. You see, I think everything is an emergency (heck, Robert choked up some water the other day and I nearly fainted) but it's my mother's instinct that has always been right on key. And when I saw her race up to me with that concern in her face (a concern I've seen very few times and good news has never come from it) and voice on the morning of 9/11...my heart sank.

How do you remember 9/11?

yeppers.

1. Feelin' woozy today...and it's Friday, naturally.

2. My nose has been cold for 4 hours now.

3. Did you ever have friends like mine in 4th grade where during lunch they decided they didn't like you anymore for no rhyme or reason? This feeling has been on my surface of feelings for a couple weeks now...I love you guys, what did I do?

4. Finding adorable plates for my plate wall is proving to be difficult.

5. I cannot wait to move out of our dark-smoke filled-hole in a wall apt into a beautiful ground floor one with lots of windows...c'mon Woodcrest, let us in already!

6. I've already decorated said apartment in my head.

7. Sometimes I stop caring but then I start again, and I hang out with people that care alot-almost too much...and I remember why I stopped caring, and I stop.

8. I like Ina Garten (of Barefoot Contessa) but then again I don't when I realize she's so caught up in her East Hampton bubble.

9. I've created a new dream of a house right on Newport Beach, 51st-54th street to be exact, that way I wouldn't have to freeze if I wanted to see Robert surf.

10. I haven't decided about going back to school yet. And I really need to.