Thought.

Sitting here not wanting to go to bed. Because the sooner I go to bed, the sooner I wake up. Which means the sooner EmmaJane wakes up. Or should I say the cold-infected monster that has taken over my  child's body.
She cried so much today, and when I say cry I mean flailing arms and legs sobbing, that I started doing the same.

day Thirty-One.

day 31: whatever tickles your fancy

Sequoia Nat'l Park - November 2010

There's a street that I pass on my way to church called "Rainier" and of course it always makes me think of Mount Rainier which I've actually never been to, but I would really love to.
Then my mind starts wondering to all the national and state parks I have been to and how grateful I am to have had those experiences...

...like Yellowstone when all the geysers smelled like bad farts, so then Trevor's farts started smelling like the geysers.
...and Arches when it was so hot so mom and I decided not to hike the whole trail to see Delicate Arch, and I've regretted it ever since.
...and Canyonlands when the 'cracks' in the land seemed to go on and on and on forever.
...and The Grand Tetons when we rafted on the Snake river and I was so scared but it was also one of the coolest things I've ever done.
...and Yosemite when really one of the only things I remember is driving out of the park listening to Mike sing all the words to "Bust A Move" so perfectly. oh and that we stayed in a hotel with a serial killer. true story.
...and Bryce Canyon when it was just me and mom on our way home to CA.
...and Sequoia when we saw 3 bears and I fell on my booty on the ice, all while being secretly pregnant and on the verge of losing my lunch the entire time (thank you EmmaJane).

and there's so many more, but man oh man do I feel blessed when I think about all these amazing experiences I've had mostly thanks to my mother who loves nature so much that she's engrained it into me. Thanks mom, can't wait to continue the tradition with my kiddos!

day Thirty.

day 30: a letter to the friendliest person you knew for only one day

Dear lady at the gate to Fort Pulaski in Savannah, GA,

That moment when you with your thick southern accent asked us if we had ever been to the fort and we replied "no" and then you continued on to give us a brief history of the fort, explained what was currently happening there (they were filming "The Conspirator" and I saw Robert Redford and James McAvoy - swoon!). And then when you started explaining the anatomy of the fort itself one line in particular will never be forgotten, you said "...and you see those big ole' gashes in the sides there? That's where the Yankees hit our fort." It was the tone you used. You weren't referring to old times when it was Yankees vs. Confederates...you were speaking of current times when it IS Yankees vs. Confederates.

My eyes were opened a little more to the world that day
Thank you.

day Twenty-Nine.

day 29: provide the hex code of your favorite color /http://www.febooti.com/products/iezoom/online-help/online-color-chart-picker.html

005

#CBFFE4

a.k.a. seafoam green/blue.

It's an obsession.

day Twenty-Eight.

day 28: favorite places to shop

Well thrift stores as I've mentioned before.

But also the following are frequented (this excludes the usuals of Target, Costco, Sprouts, etc. - which I do love):

- Ross dress for less (always a good go-to for home goods)
- Old Navy (awesome sales - sometimes not even just clearance)
- Urban Outfitters (only if they're having their 50% off clearance sale)
- Michaels (for all those unfinished craft projects...)

day Twenty-Seven.

day 27: a talent of yours

I'd say I have a knack for crafts/DIYing. There's hardly a time I pay for something that I know can be done at home SO easily.

..whether or not it actually gets made is a whole 'nother subject.

day Twenty-Six.

day 26: favorite books

Remember when I started this? And then I got pregnant and never finished it? Well let's try this again.

So day 26.

Favorite books, I'm going to put a disclaimer that the BOM is a given. Other than that here are some others I find myself thinking about a lot, so that means I loved it I guess.

 "Marie Antoinette: The Journey" by Antonia Fraser.
As you can see in the circle it says "the book that inspired the film" so after seeing that I had to read it because I love love love that movie. And it didn't disappoint. It gave such a great in depth biography of Marie Antoinette from birth to death. I had so many questions about her and I feel like I got a lot answered. I think I need to read it again though.

"Pride & Prejudice" by Jane Austen.
Yeah, yeah, surprise, surprise. I can't deny that P&P is by far my favorite Jane Austen novel. But something not so normal about Jane Austen lovers is that Jane Bennet (think emmaJANE) is actually my favorite female Jane Austen character - as opposed to Elizabeth, though I do appreciate the complexity and boldness (for that era) of her personality. But overall Mr. Darcy wins by a landslide, I mean how do you deny someone who uses words like "ardently" in describing love? ((swoon))

from afar.

I think it's so interesting to find out what you look like day-to-day. I think we all know what we look like when we pose for pictures, when we smile, how we look right after we apply makeup...but I really love those candid shots. Sometimes it's depressing (like the time a picture of my booty ended up in the background of a picture on a friend's blog) and sometimes its just interesting to see how everyone else sees you.
The above picture is a perfect example of that. While I had no idea Robert was snapping a picture with my wet nappy head of hair (from being drizzled on) it was an extra little surprise to see my own little munchkin smiling back at her dad as I carried her away.
Is she seriously mine forever? Because this is the funnest thing I've ever done.

Look at the bully of a cousin thinking it's the funniest thing ever that she's holding a baby's hand while her poor little cousin cries her eyes out. I mean seriously she's our house clown.

previously owned.

So I have this thing, or serious addiction as Robert sometimes calls it, where I love good deals. Like REALLY good ones. This thing coincides for my love of the past (cue degree in Art History). Which also coincides with my love of pretty things.
Combine all these and we have the thrift store. Also not discounting garage sales.
I want to say it was my brother Trevor who first got me interested in shopping at thrift stores around the age of 16 or so (when I was so cool and punk rock and just went in hopes of finding the perfectly disheveled vintage tee), little did he know what kind of fire he was fueling!
By the time I was 21 I had a shelf in my room dedicated to vintage dishware.
When I married Robert at 23, not only could I now use said dishware, but I had room for more and more!
Factor in that I was working a part-time job after having graduated and therefore had a routine of hitting a different thrift store almost daily. yes, daily.

Now, I'm not confessing all of this because I feel I need to be cured of this...quite the contrary (which means I'm really sick), I'm here to brag and convince you all of the wonders of shopping for things at the thrift store first.
Here are some examples of my greatest successes all thanks to my weekly (sometimes now bi-weekly) thrifting addiction:
- 10 ft mid-century modern couch - $90
- yellow mid-century modern side chair (in perfect condition no less) - $50
- Mirror dating to 1915 - $2 (pictured above)
- cream shabby chic table + 4 chairs - $20 (found by my mother)
- all my dishware - no one piece over $1
- all decorations for EmmaJane's nursery - totaling $10
- 75% of my wardrobe
- basic around the house items like baskets, fabric, ribbon, tape, shelf-lining, paper, buttons, etc.
- the list goes on and on...

You see? All my scavenging for good deals has really paid off a lot. And no, I don't ONLY look for cool vintage things, I often end up leaving thrift stores with items that are newer (often still in their packaging), such as the aforementioned paper and tape.

And finally some tips:
- Goodwill gets all of Targets previously opened items, clearanced items they couldn't sell (including all the "designer" stuff nobody buys because it's overpriced - I got shirt that I had been eyeing at target for $4 at Goodwill - originally $30).
- Shop "no-name" thrift stores more often. Goodwill is by far the most expensive thrift store in SoCal.
- Keep hand-sanitizer in your purse, it just feels better when you leave.
- Shop on Saturdays! A lot of the time thrift stores have "50% off everything" type of sales on the weekend, especially holiday weekends!
- Learn how to take in clothes simply (stretchy knit tops are the easiest), it opens up your spectrum of clothes you can purchase.
- finally, if you're looking for particular items, go often. I could go to the same thrift store 3 times in one day with only an hour in between and find new stuff every time.

Bon chance!

muh-mah.

I sat a few round tables away from a friend. Her 8 week old baby was being held by somebody else and he had just started to fuss so she was getting up to take him from her. And as soon as she did, he stopped crying. She held him no differently than the person before her, but there he was happy for a moment (before it was time to eat at least).
Across the table from them was another friend, this time with a 3 month old baby girl who was chomping away at her hand and sitting so happily on her mom's lap, giving smiles to everyone whoso inclined.

Just a couple moments that built my testimony on motherhood and how it truly is the greatest thing I've ever done.
Sometimes I get lucky enough to hold a baby and try to parent my baby daughter at the same time, so I get the teeniest-tiniest glimpse as to what it will be like SOMEDAY when we take the plunge into having another one.

Anyways, EmmaJane is done pooping so I better change her diaper and put her down for her nap.
My life is so interesting!!

chapters.

Lately I have been reminded of different chapters in my life, all of different lengths - one 3 months, one 6 months and one 2 years. And what I've discovered is this: each of these times I was having the time of my life! But did I think that while I was living them? Nope. If I go back and read blog and journal entries I'm sad or looking forward to something better or wishing this and that were different (often related to body image).
And you know what? That's dumb.

I'm glad I mostly remember off-hand that it was a happy time, that despite the heartbreak some of these periods ended in, it was all-in-all a great experience.

A couple of months ago Nora Ephron (You've Got Mail, Sleepless in Seattle, When Harry Met Sally) passed away, now I did not know her personally but a lot of celebrities I follow on Twitter did, and one quote that I loved by her that someone posted was this:

“Oh, how I regret not having worn a bikini for the entire year I was twenty-six. If anyone young is reading this, go, right this minute, put on a bikini, and don't take it off until you're thirty-four.” 

 While I am not going to run around in a bikini, I did take it to heart to be more comfortable in my skin in general. And this has led to thoughts of being more happy now. Especially at this already fleeting time of my life of raising babies. I want to live fondly now and look back fondly later. 

Now I know this is hard sometimes, like when you've been driving to Yosemite for 5 hours and you get there and your baby decides to throw up everything she ate that day all over her new car seat and its 8 o'clock and your tired and hungry and you just want to rest and not clean it all up. aaah, motherhood. 

Luckily I can already laugh about this. 

But just like I miss running on the boardwalk in Huntington Beach or that time I drove halfway to Vegas because I was young and we were bored and angry and we could. I will miss having to eat cold food and sit on the ground because that's where my baby is. 

Live for now.

Big girls

Big girls wave at you when you turn around to sneak a peek through their rear view mirror, can't get anything past this girl anymore!

My favorite Jane Austen quote

"I will not say that your mulberry trees are dead; but they are certainly not alive." 

- Jane Austen, Jane Austen's Letters

ode to a dresser.

So...when I was about 6 months pregnant, Robert and I went searching for a dresser at a thrift store that we could paint and make pretty for a brand new baby arriving soon! We scored at the very first store we looked at and found a beauty for $30! As we drove home squished into the car Robert mentioned a faint smoker smell coming from the dresser. We thought "oh we'll just clean it and paint it and it'll be fine!" little did we know...
So we did just that, I scrubbed and scrubbed and then painted it a nice Martha Stewart warm grey and spray painted the knobs a stark white. Robert added legs purchased from Home Depot to give it the right height to be able to comfortably change a baby's diaper on top. It fit the decor of her room perfectly, I was so happy.

Pictures of how her room once was

 Then one day at 8 months pregnant I went to put in some clothes I had received, and as soon as I opened a drawer I was hit with a disgusting musty smoke smell. Ugh.
So we orange oiled the whole thing and I lined the drawers with some cute contact paper. And carried each drawer up and down the stairs about 3 times in the process (cue huge pregnant lady, 80 degree weather and heavy drawers - I was very uncomfortable)
3 weeks go by, and it happened again. same smell. but at this point I was about 3 days away from having EmmaJane. So I set Robert up for the task of figuring out what to do next! But EmmaJane came sooner than either of us thought so there the dresser sat...and there EmmaJane's clothes sat in a pile on the floor in my room.
When my mom came to visit, she washed and washed and washed. She loved the dresser just as much as me and hated to see it given away. She even painted the whole inside, trying to seal in the smell. Then we read charcoal would work, so we put little pockets of charcoal all throughout the dresser.

crib and diaper closet

At this point I had brought my baby home to a nursery in shambles. The legs wouldn't stay on the dresser, we were trying to air it out, etc. So I would simply change EmmaJane on the floor next to the door, her room was pretty unusable.
2 months went by and one day I decided to test a sweater we had put into a drawer to see if it would smell (as all her other clothes had we had tested before) and EUREKA! no smell!! I was SO happy to get EmmaJane's clothes out of piles in baskets and into a dresser. We could finally use her room like it was meant.

Then the summer heat hit. And one day I went to get EmmaJane from a nap and smelled the all-too familiar smell that Robert had told me he had smelled on and off occasionally but I didn't want to believe him, it had to be over it just had to. But it wasn't.
So, not wanting my baby's clothes being stored in a smokey dresser and not wanting to walk into her room on a hot day and feeling like I just walked into some old smokey lady's house. It was time to replace the dresser.

I.am.so.sad.

It's dumb but this dresser equals EmmaJane's babyhood to me. Sure, it has probably caused a lot more heartache than happiness, but I still can't shake this feeling. My baby turns 1 in two weeks, we moved her crib to the bottom notch AND we're getting rid of her dresser that fit into her nursery so well.

I've been known to cry when I had to spit out a piece of gum I had been chewing for 8 hours (I was 13!), so needless to say I'm sentimental and I attach myself to things easily.
So yes, it's just a dresser, but I am so sad. And yes, I cried.

She's sad too!

On my first baby turning one.

Oh me oh my. This is tough.
When EmmaJane was born it was a whirlwind of excitement. The hospital stay, the first bath, the first poop. I soaked it all in so deep. So deep in fact that I cried when it was time to leave the hospital. I didn't want the excitement to end.
But it didn't! Every new move, every new look, every new trick from her since has been such a crazy happy rush of joy. Just pure joy. So I haven't cried again that anything was coming to an end.
But now I face my BABY turning one. My very first birth, my very first little human I brought into this world is soon no longer going to be a baby. When people ask how old she is, I'll be able to count her age in years. Wow. So now this is hard once again.
A friend of mine who now has a 2 year old and a new baby mentioned she had been able to spend time with just her 2 year old and how it reminded her of old times when it was just them and she realized she missed it. And my heart broke into a million pieces. How am I ever going to first off let EmmaJane turn 2? Second, have another baby to share my love with? Life is insane.
When I had EmmaJane I experienced a new kind of emotion I've never had in my 27 years of life which was the overwhelming love I had for her. And man, now new emotions happen just about everyday from pride in her accomplishments to fear in her tumbles.
I love my little buddy I have in EmmaJane. We make a pretty good pair. And I know I will always have a special bond with her as my first born. She has so many great qualities that I swear I can already see the amazing potential she has, and what a beautiful person she will grow up to be.
And for me to have a hand on that? That's pretty amazing.

OK i get it.

So tonight as I nursed EmmaJane before bed there was a 5-10 second period where she was done and she just laid there in my arms and even nuzzled in a little.
And I gasped.
I didn't realize how long it had been since she found me as nuzzle-worthy.
Of course it ended and she attempted to sit up and get away from me ASAP. She prefers her bed to anything past 8 o'clock.

So I get it. I get how you can get pregnant again. I get how people feel the need to share their motherly love with more than one child.

Someday.