oh the fresh air.

Standing in line at the bookstore watching Forest Gump and getting teary-eyed because Tom Hanks has that effect on me.
Sitting in my room watching a slideshow and the tears falling because true love has that effect on me.



so it was only half a day, but it was a day at least, a breath of fresh air it is really, to be amongst them, to be apart of them. $300 dollars of art supplies and one French book later and i have this...my prayers have been answered.


"Just step aside and let go of the door handle and i'll let you in. Let me help you." and He has.





GO BEACH.

eat this.

i don't know why i always pick at my toe nails when i check my internet at night, well it's usually at night. i have a strong feeling it might be the tiredness and frustration within myself that i am not just simply going to bed.


running on the beach in the morning keeps the doctor away.
starbucks and a new haircut keep kari sane.


but the regret is lying deep within me for not making the traffic-y treck home tonight to see myself displayed for all to see at sir Alex's photography exhibit/show. i'm sorry friend, but know that you are loved.


HB. is for me.

dayumm...

loving ballerinas.



it seems to me that the black eyed peas are molding the way people talk. maybe it wasn't them, i don't know, but i'm slowly learning to dislike, yet love it all.

so i lied, i'm home still. but one more official week with luey seems alright. even though he hasn't moved from my long pillow all morning, he's working on his new mold, a new comfy spot. i think he knows whats going on, when i moved out my first boxes and things started becoming bare, he ran into my arms. little does he know it's not utah this time.

jury duty tomorrow and i think i'm just excited to have an excuse to sit and read all day without guilt of moving and/or saying goodbye looming over my head. i dont even get why people feel like they have to say goodbye to me, i'll still be kari, i'll still be in california, but i'll live next to the beach, so really i should be saying goodbye, come to me from now on. oh self-glory at it's finest.

aardvark's. nachos. fhe. more sleep. allergies are taking an all time high on the drowsiness factor.

tomorrow.

it's extremely magical about prancing around disneyland in a poofy blue skirt and homemade wings. it really didn't matter that there was occassional tension, which is just expected when hanging out with some work friends you don't know all that well. but i'll admit i woke up with the same love in my heart i've had all along for those 4 girlies. i miss them already.


i won a lottery that i will have to payback within 5 years...student loans, the new story of my life.
ok starbucks, teach me your devilish ways...just promise to make my car payments.


tomorrow.

an alternate universe.

phot cred: alex martinez

(i got my picture taken today by maybe the best photographer i know of, he's the best.)



panic mode. it officially set in about 20 minutes ago. realizing i have yet to pack anything. and to top it all off, i'm being so obsessive compulsive over my princess-fairy-cinderella outfit for disneyland on thursday, that i don't have time to pack, i need to have the most perfect fairy wings and skirt and shirt, and don't forget all those plans i've made, that are so hard to cancel. why oh why am i such a perfectionist suddenly? i hope this passes.
so it will be a gradual move, a very gradual move. i think i'm ok with that. driving back and forth from huntington beach about 5 times next week. please pray for Nona.



shedding tears for the first time in weeks, i almost forgot what we had, what it was, as time will let me. knowing i've chosen the right path.

unlucky sometimes.

sometimes i stop and think and realize i don't even know these people anymore.

booya.

ultimate relief. i have a place to live. only took around 2 months. but i did it. huge house. huntington beach. full of mormon girls. two blocks from the beach, sounds freakin fantabulous to me. one more week at home. yikes.


life is good, things are very good, and friends are amazing. i love that i love all of them for my own reasons. even if its those exact reasons why it didn't work, or why we hardly ever talk, if at all, or why were the bestest of friends while my other friends have issues with that. it may just simply be the fact that i know these things about each of them, that keeps me hooked. really knowing someone is the root to a friendship, and i feel like i do with you all. i really dont care if you understand that, thats how fabulous it really is.


i can forgive and forget and i'm almost pretty much there. hope to hear from you soon.

what's the sensual massage for....??

were big fans of this sorta thing these days...




really just not sure. how these next two days are going to play out, aka how happy we will all be squished in a car for 5 hours on our way to remember her. 4 days with two munchkins has worn grammy out and frankly i could fall asleep right now and be ok with myself. but a 6am day looms over my head like a dark dark rain cloud.


and oh so greatful to have friends i can smile at. that sounds completely strange but it's understandable when their opening gifts for their whole new life and others are laughing so hard together and all the little snickering coming from some part of the couch, all in the company of the best of the best. aahhhh life is so grand these days since the changes.


"And the door took her place like a sheet of blank paper, and then a larger sheet of paper took the place of the door, and i drifted toward it and smiled myself to sleep."
-Sylvia Plath,

you were right natalie. sooo good.

RIP myspace.

no i did not delete my myspace...but it's saying i did and frankly that scares the crud out of me...all those comments and blogs and emails that will never be replaced. i feel sick.


and i ripped my ipod connector cord out of its socket and i can't get another one for about a month, i mean i have to use CDs...ick.



other than all that 2 little angels are making a mess in the living room that i'll clean up before the day is through, i love being an auntie...all in preparation for my own little lovkins someday.

she was 95.

my great grandmother has just passed on from us to be with her true love...

you know 10 years ago when i really got to know her...she was 85, and i thought she'd be gone before i knew it, grandpa had already been gone for 4 years by that point. but she lived with such a spirit, such a true zest for life that nothing would stop her, not even 14 years without him. she was growing lonely, and tired, living with her daughter who was almost in poorer of health than her. i just hope it was nice, for her to lay calmly to sleep and to know that she would wake up in a place those of us only dream of, he was waiting for her, i just know it. i'll miss you grandma, but i'll see you again someday....then, we will talk.

six-twenty am.

listening to *NSYNC and remembering the past makes it hard to remember why i decided to grow up. even within the last year.
living in my thoughts and memories of thoughts of what it was like, the best parts.
now i know why they tell me not to live in the past, i honestly have to choose not to think about those things or it makes me go crazy. almost literally.


there's not much more that i love than waking up early, the crisp summer air on a jog and the doors are all open to let the cool air in the house while we still can, the fans are on but its really nice out, being awake and showered to wish my momma a good day at work, she does so much for us.

sometimes i can't help but wonder what happened to it.

so this isn't what i planned. but somehow i'm in love with it all, even that simple thought that i failed at planning it all.

i honestly thought i knew exactly where i was going with everything, and yes, goals are important, and i really have reached them and am reaching them, just not the way i thought i was going to be.

never did i think i'd be the one who was almost there. then i stood awckwardly across the room wondering what i could do, what i should do. that wasn't real. i'm not going to hold onto a hope of a time that could really be ours, but i will live knowing i can't tell the future, and for that i am glad.



i listened to azure ray today and thought about all those cold days and nights in the rain through pasadena and beyond i spent. and now the summer heat has warmed our souls into this. loving myself, loving you, loving life, who knew how self-less this could all really be.






now this seems real.

as can be.

i always have the best hair moments right before i crawl into bed, under the covers to impress the world of my dreams. there, things are nice.



"...folk singers sing songs for the workin' baby, we're just recreation for all those doctors and lawyers, and theres no relief for the bleedin heart ... rob says you love love love love and then you die."


remember when we drove all the way to the PCH. then, things were nice.


holding onto the memory of the excitement in my heart for my art history classes, zooming to class in my new corolla, because everything was fine.

allergy medicine from stater bros.

the mornings are the hardest. waking up half conscious, not really understanding my state of mind. but then i talk to that friend of mine, and i realize the sun is out.


a couple nights ago i had a dream about going back to my old middle school and wanting to go visit my old band instructor, mr. tremonti, to tell him how much he taught me and how much those 2 1/2 years meant being in his classroom, he had faith in me, he knew my potential, and its only taken me 8 years to realize it, but i remember being so nervous all the time. and in my dream there was nothing different.

i saw a febreze commercial today and i thought about back in colorguard days, after we performed we would spray each other with febreze because we were wearing old dusty uniforms that were now drenched in sweat. we were so funny.

and this morning when luey, my cat, came and cuddled up next to me, i thought about leaving him again and how sad i'll be. and then i got sad about the old days in port hueneme when he was wild and little and i was in 4th grade, still with pigtails, guess not much has changed. he's always been there for me. i sound like a crazy cat lady, but its true.


i'm not sure what all these experiences are meaning to me, but they do mean something. as life goes by, as we all continue on our paths, things change, people change, but this heart has stayed the same.



i really need to take an allergy pill, the ones i got from stater bros., but they're 24 hour ones and i get my wisdom teeth out tomorrow morning. yikes.

a loss of appetite for a few days, but last night after we laughed and joked and got teary eyed together, i walked away hungry. this might be the best part of our relationship. the best of friends. that's a lovely thought.

i wouldn't have missed it for the world.

a silent car drive.
i tried i really did, to put some tunes on, but the first one was the song i listened too right after our first kiss, and the other one was when it was so right, every tune, every line meant something, something more than this girl can take.

scared of all the friends i may lose contact with
but so thankful for the best friend i've gained.
don't get me wrong, the pain is pretty much unbearable.
and it will be that way for a while.
lifeless limbs, aching stomach, soggy face.
but i still love him. and i always will.

trev speaks spanish in his sleep.

the mountain they call magic was just that with friends i almost forgot i had. and love so deeply. mel is 21 now. ha-ha.

and the zoo today with bright young spirits running from exhibit to exhibit. i can still see the tarantulas in my head...eeek, keep walking bella.


so i don't know what i'm even doing/going to do anymore. Long Beach are a bunch of poopy heads, and i just want to go volunteer at that museum in Riverside and take those steps towards becoming that person i love. But where will i live? who else will be there to love? will my momma really dissapprove as she has lately? i'm her baby, i'm moving away, for good. well, my rooms a mess. i need a place to live with mormon girls anywhere between huntington beach, ca and riverside, ca. help me.


late night conversations
"are you seeeeping?"
what was that noise?
trev speaks spanish in his sleep.
remember when, remember that.
a trip, a couple flashbacks.
but i wouldn't trade this for the world

see you in 10.

anthropologie was having a sale today. a big sale. i walked out of there empty handed.
i went to the thrift store and resisted the most perfect china set.
i substituted these cravings by making dinner.

a huge part of me wishes to be 30. y'know...decorating a home, cooking dinner, shopping at the market. and the thing is, i have always been this person.


then mel picked me up and reminded me what it was to be 21 again. park nights and skateboard lessons, hello.

life would be a dream sweetheart.

why is it sometimes the best thing in the world to simply stay up kind of late, sit back on the phone at eat ginger snaps. i usually curse myself for ever eating past 7 o'clock, but i figure i got to live a little. i'm not obese, i need to realize that. and life is amazing no matter which way i look at it, no more whining. ok.

long beach hangs in the balance and so does my sanity at work.


gotta go get another ginger snap!

we were children.

i went grocery shopping. then going back to my car i put my key in my trunk and wiggled it around for a while...until i realized. oh yeah, this key sucks. i miss you keys, come back to me.


the days are like this: up at 8, run/excercise/pamper myself til about 11, shop/run errands, work at night, have a good dinner, talk to gregory at night while i finally finish reading "the notebook". not too shabby my friends.

nothing has to "get" me through the day...it's nice being your own best friend.

only thing missing is the beach, and a cute new swimsuit.



"genius is childhood recalled at will."
-charles baudelaire

all over again.

sleeping alot, lots of TV, lots of snacks, waking up tomorrow whenever i feel suitable, but in time to watch regis and kelly and half of the view.
hello friend. my summer friend.

and this weekend, surprises and graduations and studying while i relaxed, like i've been waiting all semester to just lay down. and so i did, progress.

40 hours a week, catalina in two weeks, and then we will get serious about this moving thing.