chapters.

Lately I have been reminded of different chapters in my life, all of different lengths - one 3 months, one 6 months and one 2 years. And what I've discovered is this: each of these times I was having the time of my life! But did I think that while I was living them? Nope. If I go back and read blog and journal entries I'm sad or looking forward to something better or wishing this and that were different (often related to body image).
And you know what? That's dumb.

I'm glad I mostly remember off-hand that it was a happy time, that despite the heartbreak some of these periods ended in, it was all-in-all a great experience.

A couple of months ago Nora Ephron (You've Got Mail, Sleepless in Seattle, When Harry Met Sally) passed away, now I did not know her personally but a lot of celebrities I follow on Twitter did, and one quote that I loved by her that someone posted was this:

“Oh, how I regret not having worn a bikini for the entire year I was twenty-six. If anyone young is reading this, go, right this minute, put on a bikini, and don't take it off until you're thirty-four.” 

 While I am not going to run around in a bikini, I did take it to heart to be more comfortable in my skin in general. And this has led to thoughts of being more happy now. Especially at this already fleeting time of my life of raising babies. I want to live fondly now and look back fondly later. 

Now I know this is hard sometimes, like when you've been driving to Yosemite for 5 hours and you get there and your baby decides to throw up everything she ate that day all over her new car seat and its 8 o'clock and your tired and hungry and you just want to rest and not clean it all up. aaah, motherhood. 

Luckily I can already laugh about this. 

But just like I miss running on the boardwalk in Huntington Beach or that time I drove halfway to Vegas because I was young and we were bored and angry and we could. I will miss having to eat cold food and sit on the ground because that's where my baby is. 

Live for now.

Big girls

Big girls wave at you when you turn around to sneak a peek through their rear view mirror, can't get anything past this girl anymore!

My favorite Jane Austen quote

"I will not say that your mulberry trees are dead; but they are certainly not alive." 

- Jane Austen, Jane Austen's Letters

ode to a dresser.

So...when I was about 6 months pregnant, Robert and I went searching for a dresser at a thrift store that we could paint and make pretty for a brand new baby arriving soon! We scored at the very first store we looked at and found a beauty for $30! As we drove home squished into the car Robert mentioned a faint smoker smell coming from the dresser. We thought "oh we'll just clean it and paint it and it'll be fine!" little did we know...
So we did just that, I scrubbed and scrubbed and then painted it a nice Martha Stewart warm grey and spray painted the knobs a stark white. Robert added legs purchased from Home Depot to give it the right height to be able to comfortably change a baby's diaper on top. It fit the decor of her room perfectly, I was so happy.

Pictures of how her room once was

 Then one day at 8 months pregnant I went to put in some clothes I had received, and as soon as I opened a drawer I was hit with a disgusting musty smoke smell. Ugh.
So we orange oiled the whole thing and I lined the drawers with some cute contact paper. And carried each drawer up and down the stairs about 3 times in the process (cue huge pregnant lady, 80 degree weather and heavy drawers - I was very uncomfortable)
3 weeks go by, and it happened again. same smell. but at this point I was about 3 days away from having EmmaJane. So I set Robert up for the task of figuring out what to do next! But EmmaJane came sooner than either of us thought so there the dresser sat...and there EmmaJane's clothes sat in a pile on the floor in my room.
When my mom came to visit, she washed and washed and washed. She loved the dresser just as much as me and hated to see it given away. She even painted the whole inside, trying to seal in the smell. Then we read charcoal would work, so we put little pockets of charcoal all throughout the dresser.

crib and diaper closet

At this point I had brought my baby home to a nursery in shambles. The legs wouldn't stay on the dresser, we were trying to air it out, etc. So I would simply change EmmaJane on the floor next to the door, her room was pretty unusable.
2 months went by and one day I decided to test a sweater we had put into a drawer to see if it would smell (as all her other clothes had we had tested before) and EUREKA! no smell!! I was SO happy to get EmmaJane's clothes out of piles in baskets and into a dresser. We could finally use her room like it was meant.

Then the summer heat hit. And one day I went to get EmmaJane from a nap and smelled the all-too familiar smell that Robert had told me he had smelled on and off occasionally but I didn't want to believe him, it had to be over it just had to. But it wasn't.
So, not wanting my baby's clothes being stored in a smokey dresser and not wanting to walk into her room on a hot day and feeling like I just walked into some old smokey lady's house. It was time to replace the dresser.

I.am.so.sad.

It's dumb but this dresser equals EmmaJane's babyhood to me. Sure, it has probably caused a lot more heartache than happiness, but I still can't shake this feeling. My baby turns 1 in two weeks, we moved her crib to the bottom notch AND we're getting rid of her dresser that fit into her nursery so well.

I've been known to cry when I had to spit out a piece of gum I had been chewing for 8 hours (I was 13!), so needless to say I'm sentimental and I attach myself to things easily.
So yes, it's just a dresser, but I am so sad. And yes, I cried.

She's sad too!

On my first baby turning one.

Oh me oh my. This is tough.
When EmmaJane was born it was a whirlwind of excitement. The hospital stay, the first bath, the first poop. I soaked it all in so deep. So deep in fact that I cried when it was time to leave the hospital. I didn't want the excitement to end.
But it didn't! Every new move, every new look, every new trick from her since has been such a crazy happy rush of joy. Just pure joy. So I haven't cried again that anything was coming to an end.
But now I face my BABY turning one. My very first birth, my very first little human I brought into this world is soon no longer going to be a baby. When people ask how old she is, I'll be able to count her age in years. Wow. So now this is hard once again.
A friend of mine who now has a 2 year old and a new baby mentioned she had been able to spend time with just her 2 year old and how it reminded her of old times when it was just them and she realized she missed it. And my heart broke into a million pieces. How am I ever going to first off let EmmaJane turn 2? Second, have another baby to share my love with? Life is insane.
When I had EmmaJane I experienced a new kind of emotion I've never had in my 27 years of life which was the overwhelming love I had for her. And man, now new emotions happen just about everyday from pride in her accomplishments to fear in her tumbles.
I love my little buddy I have in EmmaJane. We make a pretty good pair. And I know I will always have a special bond with her as my first born. She has so many great qualities that I swear I can already see the amazing potential she has, and what a beautiful person she will grow up to be.
And for me to have a hand on that? That's pretty amazing.

OK i get it.

So tonight as I nursed EmmaJane before bed there was a 5-10 second period where she was done and she just laid there in my arms and even nuzzled in a little.
And I gasped.
I didn't realize how long it had been since she found me as nuzzle-worthy.
Of course it ended and she attempted to sit up and get away from me ASAP. She prefers her bed to anything past 8 o'clock.

So I get it. I get how you can get pregnant again. I get how people feel the need to share their motherly love with more than one child.

Someday.

Thoughts

As of late:
• They have food network and hgtv in our hotel room in SLC, I see no reason to leave all day while roberts in class.
• I feel like everytime I watch Ina Garten she makes mussels, I really want to try them sometime, I always chicken out, literally.
• I ate the most delicious salad for lunch at Blue Lemon, fresh fast gourmet needs to be more common.
• Since being in Utah I've successfully napped and sleeped EmmaJane sans swing multiple times and I feel like a champion.
• Chocolate covered cinnamon bears from the BYU bookstore make a good breakfast when stuck in a hotel room without food.
• I forgot EmmaJane's nail clippers and it's starting to look like she has a nice french tip manicure going on, but they're really little disguised razor blades.
• I could hang out on temple square all day, especially the Joseph Smith Building, I love a good chandelier.
• I didn't bring enough diapers for miss poopy pants, I swear the mountain air has proven as a laxative for her.
• I really want to eat at the cracker barrel while we're here.
• Robert strained his back BAD, he can't even drive. He gets some sort of sickness on every vacation we've ever been on.
• I'm officially asking for white cooking wine for christmas.
• The other night we were driving back to our friends house where we were staying and EmmaJane woke up and was screaming louder than I've heard in a while so I just drove fast figuring she was hungry, when we get there I go to get her out and her bow is over her eyes, bad mom moment. We now have a no bows in the car rule.

High hopes.

I don't think anyone should pass judgement on pacifier mothers until they become a human pacifier 8+ times a night...

born.

(fashion show, fashion show, fashion show at lunch!)

Bringing a child into this world that is being born into the covenant, means more to me than I ever thought it could. I am blessed.

on there being a baby in my body.

circa 2006.
Remember how I thought I was fat in this picture?? Honey I hadn't seen nothing yet. Ha.

While half of my weight/enlargement is a big ole belly protruding from my body that I couldn't be happier about (really, I knew I'd get fat, that's not what this post is about - entirely), sometimes I stumble across pictures of my without-child self and I can honestly say, I have no recollection as to what it's like to not have a baby in your belly that you are always aware of.
Especially now that she kicks, she squirms, she burrows.
What was it like to be able to run 5 miles, sweat beyond what I thought I could sweat, nearly pass out, eat every 5 hours (instead of 1.5), work on house projects all day long without sofa-sitting breaks every half hour and drink Diet Coke at my leisure?
What was it like?!
It's really a bizarre feeling. Getting my body back to myself (for the most part - minus nursing), is going to be SO strange, I feel like I've been pregnant and have been limiting myself because it's not just ME, for years (and it's only been 7 months).

If there's anything I know, it's that I will forever be happy with my body whilst not pregnant, because man I looked and FELT gooooood. And that will be me at this time next year, but BONUS I'll have a sweet little babe to care for. win win!!

it's like they're an entire generation of cocktail waitresses!

Oh I could watch this movie everyday and be satisfied.

I watched it last week after I decided to stay home after some rather unpleasant side-effects from my blood glucose level test (passed! woo!), and I keep reliving this scene in my mind among many.

I had me a birthday.

...and now I'm 26. and 24 weeks pregnant (23 weeks seen above).

Those are my birthday tulips (from Robert) that are dead as of yesterday, I told Robert I needed new ones and he just laughed...

Also that shirt is huge on me (bought that way purposely) so it makes me look way huger than I am, this is what I like to think at least.

Also this picture, and every picture, of me in a yellow tone reaffirms how I do not look good in yellow...but its the color I own most of.

c'est la vie.

sketchy.

http://sketch.odopod.com/

Valentine's Day 2011

Do you see the shear glee on my face? Robert played left handed for me because it was Valentine's Day...and I kicked his trash. Also happens to be my highest score ever. Happy Valentine's Day to me!

for the record...

...I LOVE being pregnant, and all the excitement with having my first little bit.

But...currently I have a migraine, am nauseated, my back is killing me, my arm hurts from the dTAP vaccine I got yesterday, my head feels fuzzy from the dTAP vaccine I got yesterday and I am so tired I could go to sleep right now for the rest of the day - and not regret it.

Why Heavenly Father decided pregnancy has to be so tough on our bodies is beyond me. But I am growing a human being, and that's pretty awesome.

day Twenty-Five.

day 25: a letter to someone you judged by their first impression

Dear weird man hired by another company that works on the same project as my company:

I knew you were 'off' from the first minute we met.

Dear everyone else:

I called it.

Sincerely,
Me


In pregnancy related news: I hate that I don't know what's going to taste AMAZING until after I've ordered/picked out my food. Often what tastes good is either what Robert ordered and not me or the pasta at the salad bar that I didn't get enough of. c'est la vie.

day Twenty-Four.

day 24 time to face morph / http://morph.cs.st-andrews.ac.uk//transformer/

This was pretty funny.

Me as an Afro-Caribbean:

Me as I would be painted by Botticelli:

Me as an East-Asian:

In other news I had my first irrational crying session last night due to pregnancy. This time I was crying because I had forgot to tell Robert about the sandwich I brought home for him (and left on the counter so it wasn't good anymore) after him asking me what he should eat for dinner at least 10 times as I laid on the couch miserable. I cried so hard it made me lose my dinner. awesome.

day Twenty-Three.

day 23 share one of your current favorite tunes

Well I really fell in love with this song/video about a year ago now. But it's still in my top 3 I'd say.

Coeur de Pirate - Ensemble

day Twenty-Two.

day 22: a photo that makes you happy

Me barely born and my mother #2 of 3 (seester J).

So blessed to have the family that I do.

day Twenty-One.

day 21: your favorite television program

I guess I already hinted at this but...I mean how could I not? Trevor and I used to wake up early on Summer Days just to catch the full hour of Lucy that would come on before we had to switch over to The Price is Right. I mean really, the woman was a genius.

This is one of my many favorite favorite parts: