urban tees.

protect that shake dresden. you go girl.




"this whole thing seems strange to me, breaks my heart...to know what that means, it means nothing."

oh mason, how does he know how to speak my mind so well

i started my new job today! that's right my NEW job, the latest i get off is 7 and i work as an assisstant manager of an antique/consignment/vendor store...yup. everyone i work with is pretty much over the age of 50...so thats going to be rough, being 21 and their boss. seems to be the story of my life, flashbacks of "hey mom...i mean toni, could you please do this and that and this and that..." role-switching, i actually truly miss those days at kohl's. but this feels so meant to be. maybe if i get less lazy and less school-y i can make some purses and jill (one of my new bosses) will let me put them in a case and sell them. and maybe, just maybe, i'll be doing what i love for the rest of my life. until then, well, this is what i love too.


up the mountain, but its so exciting, but sometimes after all the YSAness of here and the new jobs and the classes of lectures i don't agree with and the old friend memories and the runs on the beach...all i want is a reminder of what it's really all about, and a talk with natalie.

2 more years.

12 hours in a car with 7 people you don't know can result in the trip of a lifetime. and so it did.
and all day with gracie and archie proves that good friends are few and far between these days, grateful to have some here. girls night 2006. yea baby.

the tears that were so swollen the whole time, a prophet of God. amazing. i'd recommend it.


"what are you waiting for?" that's all he had to say and i was officially scared. he's right, i'm 21 and i want to own my own gallery and teach art history someday, but what i have done? so scared out of my mind i spent the whole day researching museums and jobs that can give me the experience i need. and tomorrow will be spent running around and gathering even more. on top of that i looked up new jobs, got a few to call today, trying to quit starbucks and not live that 80:20 lifestyle, if you know what i mean.


and i stopped by the study abroad booth yesterday...looks like my decision is almost official, Florence, Italy next june and july. yes pah-lease. they'll all be here when i get home right?

the terror.

i just walked out. and i sat on a bench and i cried. i could barely even believe that she would show us that. why would i ever subject myself to that. funny that i kinda knew it'd be ok for me not to go to class today, but i went anyway, and left. once the hymn started playing in my head the tears started to swell and i couldn't believe the overwhelmingly obvious absence of the spirit, the same one that was far away yelling at me to walk away, just walk away!
i guess that's what they call real, i guess that's what they call teaching lessons, and sure i did, i will never be that girl, i will never be such an object. but i knew that thank you, and i almost believe that watching that was just as bad as anything you're trying to teach me.
modest girls are the hottest girls. gosh i love the gospel.



utah in 6 hours.

over it.

i'm just writing this as a reminder to just live my life and love what i love because it's me and i love it, and to say what i say because its me and i love it, and to be a hermit like i love, because it's me and i love it. take that pierside.

strange how at home i am here. considering.

constant battles

so i'm paying for it, making the mistakes of having fun on the weekends, sitting stressed over 5 pieces of paper i have to turn in on thursday with some of my most intellectual work on them, just to see if i'll make it in that capstone class...to graduate someday.
and the gym waits. and the phonecalls wait. and the sunny day will slip away.

but the weekend was great, friday was karaoke like never before, and saturday with that little almost 5 year old i'm beginning to find it hard to recognize anymore and then a party almost like the old times, almost. part of it is gone, well we are, and it was almost diffucult, but there's new friends and closer friends that i love so much more that a drive home helped me recognize.



but I'm going to Utah this weekend! yep, yep off to p-town with some of my new found friends. but i'll stay with the golden ones. and maybe, just maybe i'll go to conference. not just watch it on TV and fight my closing eyes, no, no, go and be in the presence of a prophet of God, oh how i hope this will be.

sick. sick. SICK.

so it's struck me once again, stopped me dead in my path to recovery, almost like it was sayin' "i don't think so little lady." so work thinks i'm a slacker and school is going to suffer, but in the meantime, i'll sit TV-less in my empty house dieing for a jamba juice.

but tomorrow and this weekend will bring good tides. i know it.



Constantly in my prayers for the family of 14...can you imagine the posterity he has left behind, taken at a time that just feels necessary. the pain, the tears that have been felt by all for their loving mother. i learned to love her all those nights at kohl's with her 15% off coupons she never had. and now she faces the hardest thing our Heavenly Father has ever asked her to do. i know how it is to lose, not so suddenly, but i will offer my words and thoughts and lessons i have been taught over these past 10 years and hope that they will be comforted and pulled through this, oh please let them seek out wisdom in this.

similar issues. almost.

so i sat in class on tuesday almost getting teary eyed by the thought of Nils, and Frank, and Gigi, and even that poli. sci. jerk. why is it that i'm so dissapointed by my new professors? i mean they're actual professors. but it could be better. i find myself uninspired and doodling in my margins to keep some artistic stimulation going. so do i search for a new school? or do i tough it out and really search next semester? ask around, talk to my counselor. or is this just all a sign for the worst, that i'm just not cut out for this art history thing. but what about my gallery, and my curator job at the MOCA? it has all felt so right for so long, now this? and then i think what about nutrition? or fashion? or skin? but i'm so far so i'll get my bachelor's and maybe sign up for that watercolor class at the community center and see what my heart says then. and for tonight, i'll just go shake it like a polaroid picture.

come on in.

Can you even believe it? Reason number 456816 to love Ventura.






oh the familiarity, oh the reliability. what simple pleasures being around those that know you better than anyone you've seen in about 3 weeks. oh the joy. using all of natalie's new toys and cooking dinner with her, i'll just live vicariously through her until it happens for me...oh my favorite little home maker.

and i'm going home tomorrow, home. now i'll tell you it's strange because all in all i'm not what you would call "homesick" more of what you would call "lovesick". if that makes sense. but this place is getting lovelier and lovelier. can you even imagine it.

experience number one of procrastination today. oh school, now that i see that brighter side, i think i'm almost done.



one letter. ten months. their words. oh what does this all mean.

oh the fresh air.

Standing in line at the bookstore watching Forest Gump and getting teary-eyed because Tom Hanks has that effect on me.
Sitting in my room watching a slideshow and the tears falling because true love has that effect on me.



so it was only half a day, but it was a day at least, a breath of fresh air it is really, to be amongst them, to be apart of them. $300 dollars of art supplies and one French book later and i have this...my prayers have been answered.


"Just step aside and let go of the door handle and i'll let you in. Let me help you." and He has.





GO BEACH.

eat this.

i don't know why i always pick at my toe nails when i check my internet at night, well it's usually at night. i have a strong feeling it might be the tiredness and frustration within myself that i am not just simply going to bed.


running on the beach in the morning keeps the doctor away.
starbucks and a new haircut keep kari sane.


but the regret is lying deep within me for not making the traffic-y treck home tonight to see myself displayed for all to see at sir Alex's photography exhibit/show. i'm sorry friend, but know that you are loved.


HB. is for me.

dayumm...

loving ballerinas.



it seems to me that the black eyed peas are molding the way people talk. maybe it wasn't them, i don't know, but i'm slowly learning to dislike, yet love it all.

so i lied, i'm home still. but one more official week with luey seems alright. even though he hasn't moved from my long pillow all morning, he's working on his new mold, a new comfy spot. i think he knows whats going on, when i moved out my first boxes and things started becoming bare, he ran into my arms. little does he know it's not utah this time.

jury duty tomorrow and i think i'm just excited to have an excuse to sit and read all day without guilt of moving and/or saying goodbye looming over my head. i dont even get why people feel like they have to say goodbye to me, i'll still be kari, i'll still be in california, but i'll live next to the beach, so really i should be saying goodbye, come to me from now on. oh self-glory at it's finest.

aardvark's. nachos. fhe. more sleep. allergies are taking an all time high on the drowsiness factor.

tomorrow.

it's extremely magical about prancing around disneyland in a poofy blue skirt and homemade wings. it really didn't matter that there was occassional tension, which is just expected when hanging out with some work friends you don't know all that well. but i'll admit i woke up with the same love in my heart i've had all along for those 4 girlies. i miss them already.


i won a lottery that i will have to payback within 5 years...student loans, the new story of my life.
ok starbucks, teach me your devilish ways...just promise to make my car payments.


tomorrow.

an alternate universe.

phot cred: alex martinez

(i got my picture taken today by maybe the best photographer i know of, he's the best.)



panic mode. it officially set in about 20 minutes ago. realizing i have yet to pack anything. and to top it all off, i'm being so obsessive compulsive over my princess-fairy-cinderella outfit for disneyland on thursday, that i don't have time to pack, i need to have the most perfect fairy wings and skirt and shirt, and don't forget all those plans i've made, that are so hard to cancel. why oh why am i such a perfectionist suddenly? i hope this passes.
so it will be a gradual move, a very gradual move. i think i'm ok with that. driving back and forth from huntington beach about 5 times next week. please pray for Nona.



shedding tears for the first time in weeks, i almost forgot what we had, what it was, as time will let me. knowing i've chosen the right path.

unlucky sometimes.

sometimes i stop and think and realize i don't even know these people anymore.

booya.

ultimate relief. i have a place to live. only took around 2 months. but i did it. huge house. huntington beach. full of mormon girls. two blocks from the beach, sounds freakin fantabulous to me. one more week at home. yikes.


life is good, things are very good, and friends are amazing. i love that i love all of them for my own reasons. even if its those exact reasons why it didn't work, or why we hardly ever talk, if at all, or why were the bestest of friends while my other friends have issues with that. it may just simply be the fact that i know these things about each of them, that keeps me hooked. really knowing someone is the root to a friendship, and i feel like i do with you all. i really dont care if you understand that, thats how fabulous it really is.


i can forgive and forget and i'm almost pretty much there. hope to hear from you soon.

what's the sensual massage for....??

were big fans of this sorta thing these days...




really just not sure. how these next two days are going to play out, aka how happy we will all be squished in a car for 5 hours on our way to remember her. 4 days with two munchkins has worn grammy out and frankly i could fall asleep right now and be ok with myself. but a 6am day looms over my head like a dark dark rain cloud.


and oh so greatful to have friends i can smile at. that sounds completely strange but it's understandable when their opening gifts for their whole new life and others are laughing so hard together and all the little snickering coming from some part of the couch, all in the company of the best of the best. aahhhh life is so grand these days since the changes.


"And the door took her place like a sheet of blank paper, and then a larger sheet of paper took the place of the door, and i drifted toward it and smiled myself to sleep."
-Sylvia Plath,

you were right natalie. sooo good.

RIP myspace.

no i did not delete my myspace...but it's saying i did and frankly that scares the crud out of me...all those comments and blogs and emails that will never be replaced. i feel sick.


and i ripped my ipod connector cord out of its socket and i can't get another one for about a month, i mean i have to use CDs...ick.



other than all that 2 little angels are making a mess in the living room that i'll clean up before the day is through, i love being an auntie...all in preparation for my own little lovkins someday.

she was 95.

my great grandmother has just passed on from us to be with her true love...

you know 10 years ago when i really got to know her...she was 85, and i thought she'd be gone before i knew it, grandpa had already been gone for 4 years by that point. but she lived with such a spirit, such a true zest for life that nothing would stop her, not even 14 years without him. she was growing lonely, and tired, living with her daughter who was almost in poorer of health than her. i just hope it was nice, for her to lay calmly to sleep and to know that she would wake up in a place those of us only dream of, he was waiting for her, i just know it. i'll miss you grandma, but i'll see you again someday....then, we will talk.

six-twenty am.

listening to *NSYNC and remembering the past makes it hard to remember why i decided to grow up. even within the last year.
living in my thoughts and memories of thoughts of what it was like, the best parts.
now i know why they tell me not to live in the past, i honestly have to choose not to think about those things or it makes me go crazy. almost literally.


there's not much more that i love than waking up early, the crisp summer air on a jog and the doors are all open to let the cool air in the house while we still can, the fans are on but its really nice out, being awake and showered to wish my momma a good day at work, she does so much for us.

sometimes i can't help but wonder what happened to it.

so this isn't what i planned. but somehow i'm in love with it all, even that simple thought that i failed at planning it all.

i honestly thought i knew exactly where i was going with everything, and yes, goals are important, and i really have reached them and am reaching them, just not the way i thought i was going to be.

never did i think i'd be the one who was almost there. then i stood awckwardly across the room wondering what i could do, what i should do. that wasn't real. i'm not going to hold onto a hope of a time that could really be ours, but i will live knowing i can't tell the future, and for that i am glad.



i listened to azure ray today and thought about all those cold days and nights in the rain through pasadena and beyond i spent. and now the summer heat has warmed our souls into this. loving myself, loving you, loving life, who knew how self-less this could all really be.






now this seems real.