as can be.

i always have the best hair moments right before i crawl into bed, under the covers to impress the world of my dreams. there, things are nice.



"...folk singers sing songs for the workin' baby, we're just recreation for all those doctors and lawyers, and theres no relief for the bleedin heart ... rob says you love love love love and then you die."


remember when we drove all the way to the PCH. then, things were nice.


holding onto the memory of the excitement in my heart for my art history classes, zooming to class in my new corolla, because everything was fine.

allergy medicine from stater bros.

the mornings are the hardest. waking up half conscious, not really understanding my state of mind. but then i talk to that friend of mine, and i realize the sun is out.


a couple nights ago i had a dream about going back to my old middle school and wanting to go visit my old band instructor, mr. tremonti, to tell him how much he taught me and how much those 2 1/2 years meant being in his classroom, he had faith in me, he knew my potential, and its only taken me 8 years to realize it, but i remember being so nervous all the time. and in my dream there was nothing different.

i saw a febreze commercial today and i thought about back in colorguard days, after we performed we would spray each other with febreze because we were wearing old dusty uniforms that were now drenched in sweat. we were so funny.

and this morning when luey, my cat, came and cuddled up next to me, i thought about leaving him again and how sad i'll be. and then i got sad about the old days in port hueneme when he was wild and little and i was in 4th grade, still with pigtails, guess not much has changed. he's always been there for me. i sound like a crazy cat lady, but its true.


i'm not sure what all these experiences are meaning to me, but they do mean something. as life goes by, as we all continue on our paths, things change, people change, but this heart has stayed the same.



i really need to take an allergy pill, the ones i got from stater bros., but they're 24 hour ones and i get my wisdom teeth out tomorrow morning. yikes.

a loss of appetite for a few days, but last night after we laughed and joked and got teary eyed together, i walked away hungry. this might be the best part of our relationship. the best of friends. that's a lovely thought.

i wouldn't have missed it for the world.

a silent car drive.
i tried i really did, to put some tunes on, but the first one was the song i listened too right after our first kiss, and the other one was when it was so right, every tune, every line meant something, something more than this girl can take.

scared of all the friends i may lose contact with
but so thankful for the best friend i've gained.
don't get me wrong, the pain is pretty much unbearable.
and it will be that way for a while.
lifeless limbs, aching stomach, soggy face.
but i still love him. and i always will.

trev speaks spanish in his sleep.

the mountain they call magic was just that with friends i almost forgot i had. and love so deeply. mel is 21 now. ha-ha.

and the zoo today with bright young spirits running from exhibit to exhibit. i can still see the tarantulas in my head...eeek, keep walking bella.


so i don't know what i'm even doing/going to do anymore. Long Beach are a bunch of poopy heads, and i just want to go volunteer at that museum in Riverside and take those steps towards becoming that person i love. But where will i live? who else will be there to love? will my momma really dissapprove as she has lately? i'm her baby, i'm moving away, for good. well, my rooms a mess. i need a place to live with mormon girls anywhere between huntington beach, ca and riverside, ca. help me.


late night conversations
"are you seeeeping?"
what was that noise?
trev speaks spanish in his sleep.
remember when, remember that.
a trip, a couple flashbacks.
but i wouldn't trade this for the world

see you in 10.

anthropologie was having a sale today. a big sale. i walked out of there empty handed.
i went to the thrift store and resisted the most perfect china set.
i substituted these cravings by making dinner.

a huge part of me wishes to be 30. y'know...decorating a home, cooking dinner, shopping at the market. and the thing is, i have always been this person.


then mel picked me up and reminded me what it was to be 21 again. park nights and skateboard lessons, hello.

life would be a dream sweetheart.

why is it sometimes the best thing in the world to simply stay up kind of late, sit back on the phone at eat ginger snaps. i usually curse myself for ever eating past 7 o'clock, but i figure i got to live a little. i'm not obese, i need to realize that. and life is amazing no matter which way i look at it, no more whining. ok.

long beach hangs in the balance and so does my sanity at work.


gotta go get another ginger snap!

we were children.

i went grocery shopping. then going back to my car i put my key in my trunk and wiggled it around for a while...until i realized. oh yeah, this key sucks. i miss you keys, come back to me.


the days are like this: up at 8, run/excercise/pamper myself til about 11, shop/run errands, work at night, have a good dinner, talk to gregory at night while i finally finish reading "the notebook". not too shabby my friends.

nothing has to "get" me through the day...it's nice being your own best friend.

only thing missing is the beach, and a cute new swimsuit.



"genius is childhood recalled at will."
-charles baudelaire

all over again.

sleeping alot, lots of TV, lots of snacks, waking up tomorrow whenever i feel suitable, but in time to watch regis and kelly and half of the view.
hello friend. my summer friend.

and this weekend, surprises and graduations and studying while i relaxed, like i've been waiting all semester to just lay down. and so i did, progress.

40 hours a week, catalina in two weeks, and then we will get serious about this moving thing.

Do you see the face of God?

ick, this cold really needs to hit the road.

the fields of yellow blossoms, the golden yellow sun, the crisp green air, the swarm of gnats i hit...all made my bike ride worth it.
i find it strange that i wear tennis shoes more often during the summer months. if you can even call this summer. i walked around campus in a t-shirt today, so i will call it that.

so it's done, the paper, ready for a final review and then i'm just going to turn it in, all 10 pages of it. gah. this is what i wanted.

so i can't help but kind of be sad that this semester is over. i mean don't get me wrong, it feels great that summer is here, and my loves are home and we are about to party every night. but let's take a look back...
there was the fall semester
with french with jonny and all our ridiculous parties
photography with the ever-amazing John Gray with all his wisdom in life i soaked up every wednesday, not to mention chilling with John D. in the darkroom, i kinda miss that.
an aerobics class that did hardly anything, besides teach me to wake up early
and who can forget Gigi for art, "So...this is really cute, this guy Moses..." huh?
and there was a boy...who kept calling me, he must've liked me or something.
there was the spring
where it rained almost everyday
and i started getting fit immediately with Shilo's bootcamp
following a sickness that lasted all break
with Doyle's bad breath everyday seeping into the walls of that trailer, but everyday was something significant to him, that's what mattered, he taught me to be open, taught me what people want to hear, thank you stephen
and with Dyste's Urban Issues class where i seriously learned alot about my own home County of Ventura...sorry i never made it to class on time, but i will not raise my kids through a cell phone, i will not become fat, i will live authentically, fit and loving.
and there was Frank Sardisco...where do i even begin. he's given me the strength i needed to continue on in this art world, he thinks i'm a good painter, he gave me A's! "No more absenses! or i'll line you up against the wall and shoot you like a mad dog like you deserve!" we couldn't listen to our iPods so Sarah and i became pals and i became obsessed with Strawberry yogurt, and before we knew it, it was noon. thanks for the roses Frank...i'll never forget you.
and finally, there's Mr. Nils Slattum who kept me awake on those Wednesday nights with his quoting fingers followed by, "i hate it when i do that..." or how about the "nike says you're an individual, here, where this t-shirt." he gave everyone the benefit of the doubt, but i knew he saw the rest of us rolling our eyes as the clock ticked closer and closer to 10pm every week. He taught me discipline, i can write good papers, i can read novels in a week. "kari, you're a smart girl."
and that boy, well he's still around. a love of mine i never expected.

so you see, there's plenty to really be missed. my last semester at Moorpark College, and i must say it was a success. so a resounding thank you is due to them all really. and i think i'll do just that, i've been wanting to use those cards anyway...

2 days til summer for me. ok.



note to self: if you're laundry is in the laundry basket, just assume it's dirty, there's no need to smell it.

o jerusalem.

so i was running my widdle heart out today and i put this song on my ipod as a jogging song cause i heard it on a friend's profile the other day and remembered i love the format, and as i was jogging to the beat i started listening to the lyrics and realized it's pretty much perfect. you know what i'm talking about. here it is:


"I can't stand to think about a heart so big it hurts like hell
Oh my gosh I gave my best but for two whole years to end like this
Well do you want to fall apart?
I can't stop if you cant start
Do you want to fall apart?
I could if you can try to fix what I've undone
Cause I hate what I had become

You know me, oh you think you do you just don't seem to see
I've been waiting all this time to be, something I can't define
So let's cause a scene, clap our hands and stomp our feet or something,yeah something
I've just got to get myself over me
I could stand to do without, all the people I have left behind
What's the point in going around when it's a straight line baby, a straight line down
So let's make a list of who we need and it's not much if anything
Let's make a list of who we need and we'll throw it away
'Cause we don't need anyone, no we don't need anyone

You know the night life is just not for me
'Cause all you really need are a few good friends
I don't want to go out and be on my own,
You know they started something I can't stand
You leave for the city,
Well count me out
'Cause all this time is wasted on everything we've done"


read it or skip over it, but it's just what i've been going through these past 24 hours. i can't say i'm sorry enough, growing up and growing out of it, that's what life is about.

i bought a CTR ring today and met a man that was getting married in an hour and was giving his wife to be a CTR ring as a wedding ring. he was also getting baptized in two weeks. now that's love.

all we needed.

it's been 4 hours.
and i barely have my thesis kinda figured out.
i don't think the blaring music from the headphones on the head of a 18 something girl next to me is helping any.
so it's going to be Cuckoo's Nest that drives me nuts. no pun intended.


i found this in my notebook from last week in class:

"so there's this guy in my class, and he's been a little off all semester, but today i was floored during our discussion on poetry when he said he did not understand why people would do something creative just to do it. people actually think that??"

do they? sheeesh.


i have yet to make a vat of potatoe salad tonight, as well as take a jog, as well as enjoy my only day off this week.
but i took a second earlier today to drink my smoothie and sit on that bench that was our bench my first year here. and i watched these people i recognize but dont know at all play frisbee, the sun had just peetered out and it seemed as if summer had already started for everyone. the smiles, the high-jumps, the t-shirts, and the "hey mann, i'm steve, you've got quite the arm on ya."
i think a little sun is all we needed.


hellllo sir.

cold water surrounds me now.

so now this is going to happpen...

i've had a falling out with someone who i thought was my best friend for the past two years or so. overcoming the hurt and pain in my heart of realizing what all of it really was required me to take a stand and to really figure out what it is to act Christ-like. it really opened my eyes because it was harder than i would've hoped it to be, to stand tall and act as Christ would/would want me to. i just don't want to feel like i have to throw away every reminder, i want to cherish what we had, but i have to know that she does, before i can.

and now it hurts, but it's getting better day by day. and there's this family i have, my loving sisters who get teary-eyed knowing i'm hurting, knowing my courage and my love was damaged. and there's my brother who talked with me all the way home from church, first time in months it seems, we've always been best friends. he's the one that really made me realize alot, y'know acting Christ-like, he pointed out i wasn't acting like who i am, who i know i can be. and there's my momma, the reason i believe to this day that i was sent to this family, i tell her everything, and she does nothing but support every word. and there's my old friends, who have always been there, despite how rarely we talk anymore, they're there. and there's my new friends, who i'm so excited to grow old with, because we are old, when we have dinner parties on saturday nights.
my LOVE is NOT taken for granted.

no more panics. no more pain. this is not my life.

baby, i want to go home.

two and a half years.

let me run from all the years of wasted space.

and i promise you i'll never change.

Who's been feedin' ya?

so i had a best weekend coming up and this is what it was.

thursday to friday with someone who now won't return my calls. ok.

but it was friday night at eisley when we danced, like the only ones in the room.

and it was saturday, oh saturday. i'm over excited to go to Long Beach. i can't even explain it. the art program will give me the oppurtunities i need to continue on with the highest degrees of wisdom! being in the company of pure greatness. and the museum, oh the museum. everything was gorgeous, got my face noticed by the "education curator"...that is the goal.

and what is it about life? that makes us wonder all the time? is it the love, the laughs, the friendships? or just the compassion in general. the root of everything good it seems these days. the movie made me want to live in the South so much more. "Who's been feedin' ya?"

and mel is home, i turned into the little girl i once was again, always with her. and we're women. we're beautiful spirits living for Christ in our lives. they're home. i love it.

feelin' the same way all over again.

today has almost been ackward, almost like i shouldn't explain any of it here, but i will.

i woke up, went for a jog, really worked until i felt that once a month pain that disabled me from running back home, so i power walked, like the old lady i am.

took me quite some time but i made it out of the house around noonish. fought over a gas pump and made it to school just in time to get what i needed and get kicked out because i go to a community college and they just dont believe on kids really doing their research. oh university how i long for thee.

then it was beautiful, as i lied down on a grassy knoll in the sun. stopped by work for a cake and some purchases. including a duck. he's yellow. and adorable. perfect for a garden. a dream one.

home in time to study a wee bit before mi momma came home and all was done. met mega and eddie for dinner at CPK. and this is where we are. i hope mega's day was better after stuffing her face with me. she will be married before i know it.

so i'm here. pulled my hair into two piggy's and now i will finish that research. but a full tummy and an interrupted jog can only mean one thing, and so i wish to apologize to everyone but mostly myself for thinking the things i will think in the next upcoming days. someday this will be worth all of this.

it's all i can dream about lately, i'm moving to long beach in August. thats 4 months away. thats 4 months of sitting across the table from the same two as tonight

onto Shakespeare. and oh Norah, where have you been these past few months. come away with meeee.

Photo Cred: ME; my life-The Santa Monica Mountains.

i know, i know, i know.

i painted today. got frustrated today. ate yogurt today. i was warm today.

it has to be the most beautiful day yet this year...and i'm about to leave for work, maybe i'll just stare out the doors wishing for my turn in the sun.

when i left school people were eating lunch on the grass and an old man drove by in his VW bus, and i wished i could be like them.

spring time, you're a jerk.


and me and sarah saw a nerdy couple making out in the arcade, in the wide wide open. seriously on the verge passionate kisses, honestly c'mon now.

oh sweetheart.

sushi with julianne. holy. crap. amazing. i will frequent that place hopefully. and pretend i'm rich, because life is better that way. then we sat in starbucks and discussed our eating disorders as i ate my carrot cake muffin with cream cheese frosting...but it was ok. oh by the way, the raspberry hot chocolate is to die for.

my phone died. i need to learn to plug things in.

spring break. yeah.

it was my birthday present. i went to Vegas. and let's clear this up now, yes i did pull some slots, and yes i DID beat Vegas, we were up 75 cents when we left! TAKE THAT Vegas, we beat you! it was different being in that car on the way there, listening to fall out boy and the like. taking me almost unwillingly back to where i was before my life had turned into something i love. we were having fun, or so i thought, i hear her side of it now, much different than my own. but i have loves, and they need me as much as i need them. not really sorry about that. the Bellagio has remained my favorite, so much class. everything is gorgeous there. one day.

and a after church nap was kindly interrupted by two of my favorite faces. i think i'm almost looking as forward to them getting married as they are. i think we all are actually.

when the crowd had gone-we sat talking for hours. a confirmation of love. lasting love.

"i need you to be mine, in the summertime, when the days are long and the nights are slow and sweet."
-Mirah.

spring break is the ultimate tease of the summertime. i think i will be a much better friend once the sweet sun meets my cold cold arms and i decide there's nothing better than staying up all night and living in the moment with the friends i love.

Photo Cred: Me. Bellagio Gardens, Las Vegas, NV.

that's a lovely thought.

i clean out my closet and/or drawers about once a month lately, and everytime i end up with a trash bag full to give to DI. what in the world. a couple things still had tags, but no receipts, my loss, someone else's gain. it's all the same.

i have cold feet. literally. the rain pounded at my window all night all the way into my scary drive to school...to find my classes were cancelled. but i finished that essay and drank something to soothe my aching throat. still in pain.

time to nap my aching head away. working tonight. i'm going to wear my fuzzy boots.


"With every word i live again Through the eyes of another; We'll meet at night wet from the rain And surprise each other With how we take away the pain; Could you be the one to find me safe and sound?"
-the lovely ladies of azure ray (as seen above)

rise up with fists.

feeling the joy.

jenny lewis was just as amazing as i thought she would be. despite getting kicked out of our awesome front row seats by...oh thats right the rest of Rilo Kiley. punks. but we met her father, he brought her roses, and i was nose-y, and then we realized what had happened, mega called it, "did i mention my parents are getting back together again, its be 25 years, of spreading infection..." he's kinda exactly how i pictured.

there's a feeling flowing through my bones this morning, despite the fact that i missed conference and didn't realize until it was later that i actually woke up at 9:15 this morning, not 8:15...day light savings jerks. but this feeling is one of love. my best friend is back in my arms in full force this morning, that's enough. the family will be over later to celebrate 26 years of life in erica. congratulations. her purse turned out to be wonderful.

mega's convinced me, i'm going to make those purses, and ipod cases, and pencil pouches, craft fairs, beware, here i come. this summer will bring me someplace wonderful. my loves will be home in 3 short weeks. Eisley on the 28th.


there isn't a cloud in the sky today.