a portfolio of sorts.

sometimes i chew so much gum that my jaw aches for days. that's been happening alot lately with my latest obsession with strawberry-banana gum.

on that note, here's some photos from over the years...i hope what they say is the truth, dreams do come true.

long distance memories.

so i've decided to delete my myspace. kinda strange. i've had the thing since i was 18 i believe it was...but now it's like i'm keeping it just to keep it, so it's leaving the realm of existence as of friday.

but in its honor i thought i'd pay tribute to some of my best memories by having one:

-many back and forth emails with melanie, the only way i stayed up to date with her provo life.

-getting to know my real life friends all that much better

-hours of stalking people we know with mel

-meeting the fenn's

-the day natalie asked me for my address, her way of telling me she was engaged

-meeting alex martinez, one of my favorite photographers of all time

-finally becoming un-addicted so i could love myself for who i was, not for my myspace

so there it is. adios myspace.

i ate chips and salsa and about 6 scoops of peanut butter for dinner tonight, let's just say i'm under alot of stress.

with the trip down memory lane i thought i'd pull out some old pictures for your enjoyment:

why did ANYONE ever let me dye my hair black?

who can forget grace's photoshoot...the night her myspace was born.
this shot was created during my about 4 week 80s streak.

ventura, black hair, pink sweatshirt and mega, the epitomy of 2004

oh momo nights, one of the many highlights of summer 2005.

happy tax day.

there's a lady in my office, she has a good office, one wall is pure windows overlooking most of HB and its my only way to see if the sun has come out yet today, and she constantly has her blinds closed. so strange, doesn't she know?

i love the smell of air conditioning, it might have something to do with the fact that i replaced my vent stuff a couple months ago and really haven't used my A/C since, but i love the smell. sometimes i breathe it too much and get a little dizzy, its true.

a presentation on tolstoy this thursday, on a story about a horse, i dont like horses. i always thought those girls in middle school who were like obsessed with horses were weirdos. but now because i've procrastinated all semester, i have to talk about horses, not puppies. :(

i got really sick of the radio yesterday, mostly because i found myself in-tune with pop culture, and that hasn't happened in years it seems, i like shrugging my shoulders when people ask me if i heard that so in so is being sued for this or that. i also really love not knowing any new celebrities. that being said, i turned to what i do know...yes yes yes here we go, nsync has got the flow.

i was looking at old photo albums at julie's house on saturday and i realized a few things, 1. how dare anyone let me out of the house with ginormous bangs that formed a triangle poof on my forehead, 2. i have lost weight as i've grown up and moved to the OC, my face is not as round as it once was and for this i am satisfied, and 3. if there's one constant in my life, its my family.

i feel like i've been through a million loops in my life of trying to find who i belong to or what kind of friendship groups suit me best, first there was the colorguard ladies, then there was the 2nd ward girls, then the kohl's krew, then mega and all her buddies, then the mountain people, then the originals from casa verde and old piersiders, and now the one and only roberto and all his funny characters (which are the cream of the crop i might add). and then there's my sisters who always make me laugh, and trevor who will always be more of a friend or father than a brother to me and mike who i don't talk to enough but know we're the most alike in alot of ways. and my momma, who knows everything.

that's where i want to be.


and off i go,
i just hope we don't talk about feminism in 20th century art again today, i felt like i should go see the bishop after last weeks lecture, another check in the "i will not be apart of the art world like this" box.

spring fling.

Spring is here! and living a normal life of not working on saturdays has proven to be truly wonderful. spring break was last week and i spent the whole week sleeping in, getting off early with rob and going to disneyland and/or running. but this week is going to be much different with rob's test coming up and me realizing i really shouldn't have slacked last week.

a couple weeks ago i watched rob surf for the first time! can you believe i've been dating him for over a year and he goes surfing at LEAST once a week, and i've never seen it? well, it was exciting, until my fingers turned purple because it was cold in newport that day...

i love newport <3

this past saturday was good too, a friend came to visit and we met rob with matt and trent in corona del mar and went hiking on the rocks! there were lots of ugly sea slugs, they are quite possibly the grossest things ever, and i touched an annennamomee...who actually knows how to spell that anyway?

i've been training training training for my 1/2 marathon on may 26th! saturday's 6 miles turned out to be a complete breeze thanks to my extreme amount of sourdough bread, cereal, tortillas and raisins, all excellent sources of carbohydrates i mind you...

i almost forgot! nick and cat were married on march 15th, 2008, we were lucky enough to be invited to the event at the Hyatt, and well nick and cat are beautiful, so how do you think the wedding was, really made me want a sit down dinner wedding, like i'll ever be able to afford it...but i miss seeing their faces around pierside already...
this is my roommate dre trying to be vain, but it turned out to be an adorable scene.

then it was easter! did you know that almost every family in huntington beach goes to the park on easter sunday? we didn't either, but the weather was hot inside so rob and i took a stroll...

Sometimes i feel like i can conquer the world somedays, other times i have serious difficulties going to class and putting on a pretty face and so i stumble over every other "le" ou "la" in french class and my teacher officially thinks i know nothing, but to tell y'all the truth, i know alot.
i'm officially obsessed with golden spoon, i can't get enough! this month they have island coconut AND banana...i just hope i get lucky when i go visit tonight. and every night this week.

so my life is somewhat dull, it revolves around my sisters wedding, seeing my family, the office, making dinner, and cuddling with my boyfriend. well this may seeeeem dull is what i should say, but i don't think i've ever been happier. and there's nothing that can change this. sometimes i look to my past and remember things from when i was like 18 and remember how strange that lifestyle was, i was trying SO hard to be someone, i dont even care who. but now i'm older, and though i don't hold grudges and hatred for any harsh feelings that i may have experienced and have since seperated myself from, i think its best that people move on. some things were just not meant to be.
only you can control your feelings and your happiness, only you can decide you're going to grow from trials, we can't rely on everyone around us for this, with few exceptions of our family and a couple close friends.
if you're having fun, you'll know it. if you're forcing a smile, you'll know it. wake up everyone, we all know how we truly feel, we all know how much of certain things we can take.
its like i told a close friend of mine who has rarely thought about himself for a while, "its time to be selfish."
this is really hard to express, basically:

you know what you're good at
you know what you love
you know who you love.
so go do it already, be selfish.

by request.

alot has happened....my birthday was March 8th, and i'm 23, ugh! the day started out good, i went running and afterwards headed over to Rob's after he was back from surfing to open my present! and he gave me the Canon powershot camera that i've wanted since before i can remember! yay!

then it was off to Thousand Oaks to eat at Claim Jumper for lunch with the fam, i got pizza because it was my birthday, yum!

after lunch rob and i went shopping in Ventura and later met up at my sister's house for Liv's 5th birthday party, since her birthday was just the day before.
it was a good day and the first birthday that i honestly kept forgetting it was my birthday, guess i'm old.

sunday after my birthday was good too, rob and i got up early and made crepes for a birthday brunch! and that night my roommates threw me a dessert party and all sorts of funny characters came...i like my ward alot.
then rob and i spent FHE at IHOP on monday to get Who-cakes, i couldn't wait to see that movie!

the week progressed and i got more and more bored at my job. and yesterday i went back to my momma's house for a family dinner to combine mine, mike's and erica's birthdays. it was alot of fun, my mom made lasagna and rainbow chip cake for me! we took pictures and played lots of games. and i got the grill i wanted! it has removable plates and i can make chicken or veggies, or waffles and cookies! it's perfect....

Easter is next week and for work i'm making mini marscapone and strawberry filled cupcakes, as well as an italian pasta salad for our work potluck lunch. i'm really excited to use my mini-cupcake pan...oh and i've already eaten my weight in robin eggs and mini eggs and cadbury eggs, easter candy is the death of me.

i've begun the training for my half marathon in august. i really just want to be able to run 13 miles about 3 times a week prior to the event, so i've started now. so far i'm up to 5 miles 4 times a week, and one aerobics class on saturday mornings. i felt like i was going to puke from working out so much on saturday, it was awesome!

melanie got into LONG BEACH! i knew she would...but it's such a relief! i'm going to have my bestest friend as my neighbor for the first time in like 6 years...thats exciting. i hope the OC lives up to its reputation for her. GO BEACH!

one more hour of work to go...i better start my homework.

hikes.

Rob and i have started a new tradition of taking little walks every Sunday morning since church doesn't start until 2:30...the bolsa chica wet lands are so close and have been so beautiful to us...

On this day the water was like glass, so refreshing:

its really the funnest thing ever being with someone for over a year and finding new ways still to fall in love with them, i had no idea rob loved nature so much. getting out and enjoying the fresh air is the perfect start to my week, things just seem clearer.

wanna hear something disgusting? this morning during my run i felt something hit my eye, but i couldn't find anything with my finger and it didn't hurt so i kept going, later (about 1 hour later) when i was doing my make up this black thing emerged and it was a little baby fly! the worst part?...its not the first time it's happened.

Now, we're going to disneyland, and while we're there i'm going to eat chocolates.

Somethin to look at

Tonight Rob and i went into the hot tub at my new complex, its so nice and cozy warm over there! but i had to get out before i got too sentimental about my swimsuit poofing up making it look like i was pregnant...

These are a few pictures i found on my camera i forgot i had

This is what its like to go to Long Beach state, its like the only place in the l.a. that experiences seasons, my favorite is fall (this was taken in december during finals week) everything is SO yellow and brown...

This is Rob starving waiting for his bagel at Noah's. Where we ate lunch for our anniversary. This is what i get to be with everyday, its ok to be jealous.

This is from last summer, one of our favorite places to be, California Adventure at night.

Also from last summer, this is me, Rob, Mel and Troy riding space mountain. and yes, Troy really was on the phone.

Happy Happy Anniversary day! like two little kids in a candy shop...

Comment t-allez vous?

All I see everywhere i go are Rothko and Morris paintings...maybe even a few Schnabels. School has started again and i just got out of my Seminar class scared you know what-less...about 8 hours of reading a week, plus massive amounts of discussions and papers...time to be a real art historian, it's too soon!





We've moved! Our new home is so beautiful and not moldy! plus we have a pool and spa and were in a gated community, really doesn't get much better. but i suffer from a disorder that i cannot have peace or concentrate on other things unless my house is pretty...been working on it all week and i actually scored big time at goodwill yesterday, nothing like $300 worth of merchandise for around $80. so i cooked rob dinner for the first time in a month on tuesday, i made Giada's mac and cheese with egg noodles and fontina cheese with ham, it was the perfect start to my new life in my house, then we went to get root beer floats from a&w, they are just not the same anymore.





my last day at bloomingdale's is next monday and so i'm stocking up on using my discount while i can, so far i've got a new pair of seven's, 3 dior mascaras, and i'm going to the other store hopefully tomorrow to pick out a handbag, because they carry chanel over there...then i'll be poor for a while, but its worth it, its the little expensive things in life y'know? but i cant wait to start my new job! i'm going to be a marketing assisstant, office assisstant really, for Lieberman Research Worldwide! everyone says it might be boring but can you believe i've NEVER had an office job before! so this is pretty exciting to me...i like faxing stuff.





mann i know so many people who are engaged right now! mega, hannah, darcy, my sister! yep her and josh are tieing the knot in vegas this halloween! and as we start the planning slowly yet surely i'm getting more and more surprised at how classical she is...with skull and crossbones of course, man i love her...so happy for everyone! ok maybe 90% happy, 10% jealous.........make that 80-20.....ok 75-25.......





anyways, this is one of my favorite paintings so far as i plan my notes for the semester:





its by Jackson Pollock and its called "Portrait of a Dream" beautiful colors...if there was anything EVERYONE can appreciate from Pollock, its his colors...

A bientot mes amis.

oh by gosh by golly...

no one has ever made me laugh harder or made me more genuinely happy in my life.

the few days after christmas are always exciting with all your fun new things and most people still off of work, but depressing considering they already started tearing down the beautiful christmas tree at fashion island yesterday! just a few more days would've been nice....

rob and i celebrated one year last week, i can hardly believe it because it still feels like i just met him yesterday with how excited he gets me about life and how i have so much fun with him, christmas away from him was one of the harder things i've had to do in a while...maybe next year right?
but it was still good, i got cute necklaces from urban that rob knew i'd love and a ton of other things i never would have known to expect, he listened to everything i ever said everytime we walked in a store. and momma got me the pampered chef stuff i love of hers...the gifts are nice, but its even nicer being thought of and known so well.

this is me updating.

so here it is, i'm waiting for The Office to come on because i love jim and pam, what i love most about jim and pam is that i dont feel like i'm watching some fantasy of mine unfold on screen, but i'm watching good friends fall in love, knowing how they feel. mulllllberrry.

i work at bloomingdale's, i still live in huntington beach and my mom is coming tomorrow and were going to ikea! its going to be so great! i miss alot of people in the world right now, and i'm graduating December 2008 from cal state long beach with a BA in art history, then what?! and rob and i will have been together for a year in December!

i'll be back soon guys.

fond of Y.O.U.

80's prom...where i forgot my social skills. then i came home and had a dream, a dreamer's dream of course...but it was wonderful, that's all i can say.

"mom, i find myself jobless, schoolless, and worst of all boyfriendless...i'm coming home." and ventura thrift shops, its been soooo long. stoked.

empty house, everyone left for the party i decided to veto. and i've eaten TWO, count them TWO cadbury creme eggs tonight...guess its ok if i didnt have dinner. and i guess its even more ok that i'm not obese so i really got to stop thinking like i am.

after an hour of shopping...let's just say target's system was down and i walked out empty handed. patience tests. hit me with your best shot.

"...the books sat on the shelf lookin' much smarter than me..." ok modest mouse i'll start on my term paper...rawr.

spriiiing break. yeah. not tootin' my own horn here, more like pointing out my sad life. but when my literature proffessor was talking about those all of 3 people that will actually be on campuse during spring break and have never really had a spring break...i just sunk into my chair realizing that is me...i take my breaks during the school year i think, i think i've got it all wrong. did i mention i'm home alone on a saturday in HB...?

be here now.

you thought i had abandoned you eh? well, i almost did. but here i am at home at 8:45 at night alone for the first time in months, because his best friend just got dumped, so they went to have boy time. i've had him time all day, so its only fair.

its like a breath of fresh air really, these past 11 weeks, worshiping every step of each others as if we've known about this for years. almost like we have. we're best friends, thats what matters most, we have fun, who would've thought? so i've dissappeared. so what. let me tell you its been hard to make these piersiders my real genuine friends, dont get me wrong, they are, but i miss my mofo. bad. and recent contact with an what is now old friend has been a delightful surprise, i hope to see her soon, and it seems i've lost all contact with them up the mountain, don't know what i did, but i never see their faces anymore.




one day, it will be perfect. we have alot to look forward to.


22 in 2 days.
disneyland in 3 days.
home in 5 days.
midterms in 2 weeks.
Italy in 2 1/2 months.

Happy 2007!

new years was awesome, good party, good company, good hugs and kisses were had by all.
this is extremely short but....

it's real, it's fun, it's genuine, it's slow, and it's just what I needed/wanted. oh, ro-bear.

Los Angeles, you are too hott.

i honestly don't know who reads this anymore, if anyone. so hi kari. this is what you were thinking today...

This morning was crazy, woke up late, went running on the wet, soggy beach anyways, just in time for my roommate to jump in the shower before me, and boy does she love to shower. late to work as it was, no breakfast food, stole some of lisa's cereal. but driving through the alley caused it to spill through my center consal (sp?). that's right, two cup holders full of fiber o's and rice milk. i honestly thought of just eating it straight out of there for about 1 second, then i remembered all the dried spill sodas i had yet to clean up. yum.

and i must be PMSing...sorry if that was TMI, but i was listening to "baby its cold outside" yesterday and i found myself pissed off, that song is so messed up, the girl is just trying to be good and go home so her family won't worry and so they don't get into trouble, and he won't freaking let her leave! what the eff...than i stopped and realized what was happening. its a cute song, just a little messed up...

and i'm learning to dislike it all. thanks to some hacking and lieing going on my those who will remain nameless, i decided i don't like being apart of it. and he said, "hate the sin, love the sinner." but deleting myspace after almost 3 years of tons of memories, really kills me inside. so were gonna step back for a while. see what happens, but i really don't want to objectify myself that way.

and it was so sad, leaving disneyland last night because we were freezing our booties off, knowing were getting blacked out tomorrow, and we might not make it back for christmas. it will all soon be over. this christmas has definetley been the most cheery for me. maybe its the antique store, or the countless HB sweater parties, or "all i want for christmas is you" by mariah carey on repeat in my car, or the few, yet great, trips to disneyland with my favorite new season pass holder. whatever it was, i hope it was felt by everyone. as the cute little lady i work with wrote on a card to us today, MERRY EVERYTHING!

Me I want a hooola-hoooo

They keep playing this horrible 1993 TLC christmas song at work, i'm saying they might as well play the entire New Kids on the Block christmas album while their at it, and NSYNC too, yea they need more of that. Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays.

i bought my first christmas present today, as well as a pair of nude pumps, they were only $5.00. So someones getting something from me this year, this is looking promising.

"...and wonders of His love, and wonders of His love, and www-oonn-dde-rrrsss of His LOVE." Joy to the world.






I can't wait for tonight, for the first time in a loonnnnggg time.

Maybe men shouldn't be allowed on campus alone at night.

There's been rapes, and rumors of rapes, and sexual assaults. but all of them were walking alone, in an alley, all after 9pm. It's sad that i believe this but, what were they thinking?? da LBC has definetley proven itself.

17 units, i must be crazy, but not that crazy if you think about it, i'll be done in less than two years this way and then 4 more months of school being a possibility and part time teacher and part time facial girl, i think i could handle that. i love huntington beach, have i ever told you that?

oh mann, between the hours of 1pm and 5:30pm here at Lake Forest Antiques I feel pointless sir, next time i bring le devoir.

Last night it was amazing, truly unbelievable, i was on top of the world. I got to know my new bishop and were fitting me for a reccomend and a blessing. nothing could shake us now, we sat upstairs and shut the door to the questioning going on downstairs, and we talked all night about the glorious gospel and how we are each growing with each other and lifting each other up. goodness she's great. Alma 33:23. i will.


growing with every second, with faith in every footstep, it's like we're modern day pioneers "...the people in whose hearts i have written my law..." that's us!!



on friday, we did the unthinkable. with disneyland passes tomorrow there will be more.

little airplane in the sky

you point up at it, i watch your face as you watch it go by, everything is perfect."

what a picture to paint.


going on 7 days of this ailment that i insisted on ignoring for so long, until it finally came up to me and slapped me with a fever. but sorry, life still goes on. but home this weekend milking every second of my momma's lovin'.

so it's looking more like italy next june, 4 weeks, including venice, rome and london for around 7,000. then mom will meet me and we'll go to paris to practice my parisian knowledge and austria because she loves that castle, and maybe greece to see if its really what it's cracked up to be. but i'll come home to great friends with great stories and a whole new view of what everything is. yea, that's awesome.

empty house. not so empty stomach, its so time for bed.


"where would i be right now, if all my dreams had come true, deep down i know somehow, i would have never seen your face, this world would be a different place..." -mason

nothing in particular, just interesting to think about, how i totally know for so many reasons, why byu and/or chicago were just not for me. singing this to me after longing for columbia so often lately has really got me happy. not to mention short trips home. home.

where the sun had been

can you even believe it's fall already? i can. what a perfect day it was to sit under a tree that was pooping on me, studying art history and listening to Mozart in the dry cool breeze heat of this october day. perfect concentration weather.

tonight i got home and ate an avocado for dinner than headed off to the grocery store to simply look clueless the entire time. who knew baking could be so complicated. well when you're baking for the estimated 100+ people to show up at our little home tomorrow, some stress may be necessary. i hope everyone cleans up their messes and i come home to everything ready. we'll lock our door for sure.

and if i could make one wish come true right now, it would be for this frustration to end. a pleasant yet aggravating surprise last night, on his little skateboard down the street and then sitting so far away. it's almost like the fact that this would be worth it, that is making me stand across the room. quiet as ever.


halloween starts tomorrow. i will live my dream for one evening...shhhh they'll think i'm joking.

whole lotta walkin' to do.

for some reason melted peanut butter is one of my favorite foods. not cold. no, melted. reminds me of sophmore year, my mom used to pick me up from seminary and take me straight to school, she'd bring me a pb&j on toast with a travel mug full of a protein drink every morning. the pb was always plentiful and still warm. i bet you if i added whipping cream and put it in a pan i could make peanut butter fondue, right next to some nutella fondue, and that my friend is perfect dessert party status. i miss the food network.

midterms. right up until this point i really didn't think Long Beach was all that different from Moorpark. and what's even more odd is how relieved i am to figure out how wrong i was.

listening to Something Corporate when i should really blah blah blah....listen the point is this. this song takes me back to that one fourth of july when we sat on the roof of the parking structure with hundreds others of T.O.'s finest playing frisbee and eating otter pops. that's what the summers were about, and 5 new friends and my favorite green day sweatshirt. i don't know what it is that gets me so nostalgic whenever i hear andrew mcmahon's voice. and not to mention the countless disneyland and orange county trips, because we hated the LA scene, now i just love it all. i've given up on hating people/things.


happy 10 years Lake Forest Antiques, you will bring me headaches tomorrow, but after work will be rewarding enough, roommates and new friends. remember, i gave that other thing up. they're so lovely!

i think i've already made up my mind about what to do, shop or museum, but i'll keep the job.

fall, i almost loved you.

maybe i still can. the warm wind and the booming clouds gathering in between of beautiful sunlight, we just watched from inside as it all seemed to slowly creep in. and the drive home was be-a-u-tiful! i had never felt so small before. but as soon as i hit home, the rain, oh the RAIN! huge puddles everywhere, afraid to drive everywhere, parked in a lake and tromped inside to find the ceiling leaking onto our couch, and as i stood doing dishes and making myself an actual meal the lightning struck and the thunder roared...do you think my momma will come spend the night with me?

but rainy nights are really good to get homework done, i have absolutely no desire to be outside, or out of my house but inside still, doing something. socializing. having that infamous HB talk. so burnt out. plus portfolio reviews and midterms are coming up. let's be a good student kari. oh man nights and days like this make me want to go to a museum so bad.

and ohhh the blessing my new job has become, you know what happened today? my boss, aka Dennie, sat down with me and told me that i don't have to ever work sundays unless something comes up with her and she needs to go out of town or something etc. i hugged her and told her she had no idea how much that meant to me. i still don't think she does. everyones warming up to me, slowly yet surely i will have that place organized. bring it.

i saw her yesterday and we talked and it was so wonderful, she laughed at my jokes and i knew what she was thinking and it was all so familiar. "i miss you kari lynn." oh she has no idea how much i yearn for her. my arms tend to ache like a new mothers do for her newborn child. just come here. and the long hug goodbye and the tears in our eyes, we should meet weekly. it's decided, she's my best friend. i would go anywhere with her, anyday and i'd do it all for her in a heartbeat. the least i could do. momma i love you.


i finally got my death cab/jenny lewis tickets in the mail today. phew.

happy halloweenie you weenie.

i have found myself absolutely shocked to realize that it is now weird to me that i used to be her best friend. that we used to be so close. she seems like a complete stranger to me now. is that really her i used to go visit at work and get so excited to hang out with and spend days on end getting lost with and being sarcastic with. was that really her i bought jamba juice for puffy cheeks and spent hours in starbucks with? really?

i spent the evening in the 99 cents store and target buying halloween/fall decorations! yay! i find so much pleasure in being by myself listening to modest mouse decorating this newish home. and last night, i just watched, and it was fabulous. no longer afraid to be alone. thats why it was so pleasant earlier this evening, its all making sense.



that life, that life i had. full of 45 min. school/best friend trips and meeting at jamba before class when we really started to become strangers. that life of full-time kohl's with david and shelley and momma everynight to cry on and trev to chat art with. that life....it's gone. for good. not sure how i feel about this one.

urban tees.

protect that shake dresden. you go girl.




"this whole thing seems strange to me, breaks my heart...to know what that means, it means nothing."

oh mason, how does he know how to speak my mind so well

i started my new job today! that's right my NEW job, the latest i get off is 7 and i work as an assisstant manager of an antique/consignment/vendor store...yup. everyone i work with is pretty much over the age of 50...so thats going to be rough, being 21 and their boss. seems to be the story of my life, flashbacks of "hey mom...i mean toni, could you please do this and that and this and that..." role-switching, i actually truly miss those days at kohl's. but this feels so meant to be. maybe if i get less lazy and less school-y i can make some purses and jill (one of my new bosses) will let me put them in a case and sell them. and maybe, just maybe, i'll be doing what i love for the rest of my life. until then, well, this is what i love too.


up the mountain, but its so exciting, but sometimes after all the YSAness of here and the new jobs and the classes of lectures i don't agree with and the old friend memories and the runs on the beach...all i want is a reminder of what it's really all about, and a talk with natalie.

2 more years.

12 hours in a car with 7 people you don't know can result in the trip of a lifetime. and so it did.
and all day with gracie and archie proves that good friends are few and far between these days, grateful to have some here. girls night 2006. yea baby.

the tears that were so swollen the whole time, a prophet of God. amazing. i'd recommend it.


"what are you waiting for?" that's all he had to say and i was officially scared. he's right, i'm 21 and i want to own my own gallery and teach art history someday, but what i have done? so scared out of my mind i spent the whole day researching museums and jobs that can give me the experience i need. and tomorrow will be spent running around and gathering even more. on top of that i looked up new jobs, got a few to call today, trying to quit starbucks and not live that 80:20 lifestyle, if you know what i mean.


and i stopped by the study abroad booth yesterday...looks like my decision is almost official, Florence, Italy next june and july. yes pah-lease. they'll all be here when i get home right?

the terror.

i just walked out. and i sat on a bench and i cried. i could barely even believe that she would show us that. why would i ever subject myself to that. funny that i kinda knew it'd be ok for me not to go to class today, but i went anyway, and left. once the hymn started playing in my head the tears started to swell and i couldn't believe the overwhelmingly obvious absence of the spirit, the same one that was far away yelling at me to walk away, just walk away!
i guess that's what they call real, i guess that's what they call teaching lessons, and sure i did, i will never be that girl, i will never be such an object. but i knew that thank you, and i almost believe that watching that was just as bad as anything you're trying to teach me.
modest girls are the hottest girls. gosh i love the gospel.



utah in 6 hours.

over it.

i'm just writing this as a reminder to just live my life and love what i love because it's me and i love it, and to say what i say because its me and i love it, and to be a hermit like i love, because it's me and i love it. take that pierside.

strange how at home i am here. considering.

constant battles

so i'm paying for it, making the mistakes of having fun on the weekends, sitting stressed over 5 pieces of paper i have to turn in on thursday with some of my most intellectual work on them, just to see if i'll make it in that capstone class...to graduate someday.
and the gym waits. and the phonecalls wait. and the sunny day will slip away.

but the weekend was great, friday was karaoke like never before, and saturday with that little almost 5 year old i'm beginning to find it hard to recognize anymore and then a party almost like the old times, almost. part of it is gone, well we are, and it was almost diffucult, but there's new friends and closer friends that i love so much more that a drive home helped me recognize.



but I'm going to Utah this weekend! yep, yep off to p-town with some of my new found friends. but i'll stay with the golden ones. and maybe, just maybe i'll go to conference. not just watch it on TV and fight my closing eyes, no, no, go and be in the presence of a prophet of God, oh how i hope this will be.

sick. sick. SICK.

so it's struck me once again, stopped me dead in my path to recovery, almost like it was sayin' "i don't think so little lady." so work thinks i'm a slacker and school is going to suffer, but in the meantime, i'll sit TV-less in my empty house dieing for a jamba juice.

but tomorrow and this weekend will bring good tides. i know it.



Constantly in my prayers for the family of 14...can you imagine the posterity he has left behind, taken at a time that just feels necessary. the pain, the tears that have been felt by all for their loving mother. i learned to love her all those nights at kohl's with her 15% off coupons she never had. and now she faces the hardest thing our Heavenly Father has ever asked her to do. i know how it is to lose, not so suddenly, but i will offer my words and thoughts and lessons i have been taught over these past 10 years and hope that they will be comforted and pulled through this, oh please let them seek out wisdom in this.

similar issues. almost.

so i sat in class on tuesday almost getting teary eyed by the thought of Nils, and Frank, and Gigi, and even that poli. sci. jerk. why is it that i'm so dissapointed by my new professors? i mean they're actual professors. but it could be better. i find myself uninspired and doodling in my margins to keep some artistic stimulation going. so do i search for a new school? or do i tough it out and really search next semester? ask around, talk to my counselor. or is this just all a sign for the worst, that i'm just not cut out for this art history thing. but what about my gallery, and my curator job at the MOCA? it has all felt so right for so long, now this? and then i think what about nutrition? or fashion? or skin? but i'm so far so i'll get my bachelor's and maybe sign up for that watercolor class at the community center and see what my heart says then. and for tonight, i'll just go shake it like a polaroid picture.

come on in.

Can you even believe it? Reason number 456816 to love Ventura.






oh the familiarity, oh the reliability. what simple pleasures being around those that know you better than anyone you've seen in about 3 weeks. oh the joy. using all of natalie's new toys and cooking dinner with her, i'll just live vicariously through her until it happens for me...oh my favorite little home maker.

and i'm going home tomorrow, home. now i'll tell you it's strange because all in all i'm not what you would call "homesick" more of what you would call "lovesick". if that makes sense. but this place is getting lovelier and lovelier. can you even imagine it.

experience number one of procrastination today. oh school, now that i see that brighter side, i think i'm almost done.



one letter. ten months. their words. oh what does this all mean.

oh the fresh air.

Standing in line at the bookstore watching Forest Gump and getting teary-eyed because Tom Hanks has that effect on me.
Sitting in my room watching a slideshow and the tears falling because true love has that effect on me.



so it was only half a day, but it was a day at least, a breath of fresh air it is really, to be amongst them, to be apart of them. $300 dollars of art supplies and one French book later and i have this...my prayers have been answered.


"Just step aside and let go of the door handle and i'll let you in. Let me help you." and He has.





GO BEACH.

eat this.

i don't know why i always pick at my toe nails when i check my internet at night, well it's usually at night. i have a strong feeling it might be the tiredness and frustration within myself that i am not just simply going to bed.


running on the beach in the morning keeps the doctor away.
starbucks and a new haircut keep kari sane.


but the regret is lying deep within me for not making the traffic-y treck home tonight to see myself displayed for all to see at sir Alex's photography exhibit/show. i'm sorry friend, but know that you are loved.


HB. is for me.

dayumm...

loving ballerinas.



it seems to me that the black eyed peas are molding the way people talk. maybe it wasn't them, i don't know, but i'm slowly learning to dislike, yet love it all.

so i lied, i'm home still. but one more official week with luey seems alright. even though he hasn't moved from my long pillow all morning, he's working on his new mold, a new comfy spot. i think he knows whats going on, when i moved out my first boxes and things started becoming bare, he ran into my arms. little does he know it's not utah this time.

jury duty tomorrow and i think i'm just excited to have an excuse to sit and read all day without guilt of moving and/or saying goodbye looming over my head. i dont even get why people feel like they have to say goodbye to me, i'll still be kari, i'll still be in california, but i'll live next to the beach, so really i should be saying goodbye, come to me from now on. oh self-glory at it's finest.

aardvark's. nachos. fhe. more sleep. allergies are taking an all time high on the drowsiness factor.

tomorrow.

it's extremely magical about prancing around disneyland in a poofy blue skirt and homemade wings. it really didn't matter that there was occassional tension, which is just expected when hanging out with some work friends you don't know all that well. but i'll admit i woke up with the same love in my heart i've had all along for those 4 girlies. i miss them already.


i won a lottery that i will have to payback within 5 years...student loans, the new story of my life.
ok starbucks, teach me your devilish ways...just promise to make my car payments.


tomorrow.

an alternate universe.

phot cred: alex martinez

(i got my picture taken today by maybe the best photographer i know of, he's the best.)



panic mode. it officially set in about 20 minutes ago. realizing i have yet to pack anything. and to top it all off, i'm being so obsessive compulsive over my princess-fairy-cinderella outfit for disneyland on thursday, that i don't have time to pack, i need to have the most perfect fairy wings and skirt and shirt, and don't forget all those plans i've made, that are so hard to cancel. why oh why am i such a perfectionist suddenly? i hope this passes.
so it will be a gradual move, a very gradual move. i think i'm ok with that. driving back and forth from huntington beach about 5 times next week. please pray for Nona.



shedding tears for the first time in weeks, i almost forgot what we had, what it was, as time will let me. knowing i've chosen the right path.

unlucky sometimes.

sometimes i stop and think and realize i don't even know these people anymore.

booya.

ultimate relief. i have a place to live. only took around 2 months. but i did it. huge house. huntington beach. full of mormon girls. two blocks from the beach, sounds freakin fantabulous to me. one more week at home. yikes.


life is good, things are very good, and friends are amazing. i love that i love all of them for my own reasons. even if its those exact reasons why it didn't work, or why we hardly ever talk, if at all, or why were the bestest of friends while my other friends have issues with that. it may just simply be the fact that i know these things about each of them, that keeps me hooked. really knowing someone is the root to a friendship, and i feel like i do with you all. i really dont care if you understand that, thats how fabulous it really is.


i can forgive and forget and i'm almost pretty much there. hope to hear from you soon.

what's the sensual massage for....??

were big fans of this sorta thing these days...




really just not sure. how these next two days are going to play out, aka how happy we will all be squished in a car for 5 hours on our way to remember her. 4 days with two munchkins has worn grammy out and frankly i could fall asleep right now and be ok with myself. but a 6am day looms over my head like a dark dark rain cloud.


and oh so greatful to have friends i can smile at. that sounds completely strange but it's understandable when their opening gifts for their whole new life and others are laughing so hard together and all the little snickering coming from some part of the couch, all in the company of the best of the best. aahhhh life is so grand these days since the changes.


"And the door took her place like a sheet of blank paper, and then a larger sheet of paper took the place of the door, and i drifted toward it and smiled myself to sleep."
-Sylvia Plath,

you were right natalie. sooo good.

RIP myspace.

no i did not delete my myspace...but it's saying i did and frankly that scares the crud out of me...all those comments and blogs and emails that will never be replaced. i feel sick.


and i ripped my ipod connector cord out of its socket and i can't get another one for about a month, i mean i have to use CDs...ick.



other than all that 2 little angels are making a mess in the living room that i'll clean up before the day is through, i love being an auntie...all in preparation for my own little lovkins someday.

she was 95.

my great grandmother has just passed on from us to be with her true love...

you know 10 years ago when i really got to know her...she was 85, and i thought she'd be gone before i knew it, grandpa had already been gone for 4 years by that point. but she lived with such a spirit, such a true zest for life that nothing would stop her, not even 14 years without him. she was growing lonely, and tired, living with her daughter who was almost in poorer of health than her. i just hope it was nice, for her to lay calmly to sleep and to know that she would wake up in a place those of us only dream of, he was waiting for her, i just know it. i'll miss you grandma, but i'll see you again someday....then, we will talk.

six-twenty am.

listening to *NSYNC and remembering the past makes it hard to remember why i decided to grow up. even within the last year.
living in my thoughts and memories of thoughts of what it was like, the best parts.
now i know why they tell me not to live in the past, i honestly have to choose not to think about those things or it makes me go crazy. almost literally.


there's not much more that i love than waking up early, the crisp summer air on a jog and the doors are all open to let the cool air in the house while we still can, the fans are on but its really nice out, being awake and showered to wish my momma a good day at work, she does so much for us.

sometimes i can't help but wonder what happened to it.

so this isn't what i planned. but somehow i'm in love with it all, even that simple thought that i failed at planning it all.

i honestly thought i knew exactly where i was going with everything, and yes, goals are important, and i really have reached them and am reaching them, just not the way i thought i was going to be.

never did i think i'd be the one who was almost there. then i stood awckwardly across the room wondering what i could do, what i should do. that wasn't real. i'm not going to hold onto a hope of a time that could really be ours, but i will live knowing i can't tell the future, and for that i am glad.



i listened to azure ray today and thought about all those cold days and nights in the rain through pasadena and beyond i spent. and now the summer heat has warmed our souls into this. loving myself, loving you, loving life, who knew how self-less this could all really be.






now this seems real.

as can be.

i always have the best hair moments right before i crawl into bed, under the covers to impress the world of my dreams. there, things are nice.



"...folk singers sing songs for the workin' baby, we're just recreation for all those doctors and lawyers, and theres no relief for the bleedin heart ... rob says you love love love love and then you die."


remember when we drove all the way to the PCH. then, things were nice.


holding onto the memory of the excitement in my heart for my art history classes, zooming to class in my new corolla, because everything was fine.

allergy medicine from stater bros.

the mornings are the hardest. waking up half conscious, not really understanding my state of mind. but then i talk to that friend of mine, and i realize the sun is out.


a couple nights ago i had a dream about going back to my old middle school and wanting to go visit my old band instructor, mr. tremonti, to tell him how much he taught me and how much those 2 1/2 years meant being in his classroom, he had faith in me, he knew my potential, and its only taken me 8 years to realize it, but i remember being so nervous all the time. and in my dream there was nothing different.

i saw a febreze commercial today and i thought about back in colorguard days, after we performed we would spray each other with febreze because we were wearing old dusty uniforms that were now drenched in sweat. we were so funny.

and this morning when luey, my cat, came and cuddled up next to me, i thought about leaving him again and how sad i'll be. and then i got sad about the old days in port hueneme when he was wild and little and i was in 4th grade, still with pigtails, guess not much has changed. he's always been there for me. i sound like a crazy cat lady, but its true.


i'm not sure what all these experiences are meaning to me, but they do mean something. as life goes by, as we all continue on our paths, things change, people change, but this heart has stayed the same.



i really need to take an allergy pill, the ones i got from stater bros., but they're 24 hour ones and i get my wisdom teeth out tomorrow morning. yikes.

a loss of appetite for a few days, but last night after we laughed and joked and got teary eyed together, i walked away hungry. this might be the best part of our relationship. the best of friends. that's a lovely thought.

i wouldn't have missed it for the world.

a silent car drive.
i tried i really did, to put some tunes on, but the first one was the song i listened too right after our first kiss, and the other one was when it was so right, every tune, every line meant something, something more than this girl can take.

scared of all the friends i may lose contact with
but so thankful for the best friend i've gained.
don't get me wrong, the pain is pretty much unbearable.
and it will be that way for a while.
lifeless limbs, aching stomach, soggy face.
but i still love him. and i always will.