this is me updating.

so here it is, i'm waiting for The Office to come on because i love jim and pam, what i love most about jim and pam is that i dont feel like i'm watching some fantasy of mine unfold on screen, but i'm watching good friends fall in love, knowing how they feel. mulllllberrry.

i work at bloomingdale's, i still live in huntington beach and my mom is coming tomorrow and were going to ikea! its going to be so great! i miss alot of people in the world right now, and i'm graduating December 2008 from cal state long beach with a BA in art history, then what?! and rob and i will have been together for a year in December!

i'll be back soon guys.

fond of Y.O.U.

80's prom...where i forgot my social skills. then i came home and had a dream, a dreamer's dream of course...but it was wonderful, that's all i can say.

"mom, i find myself jobless, schoolless, and worst of all boyfriendless...i'm coming home." and ventura thrift shops, its been soooo long. stoked.

empty house, everyone left for the party i decided to veto. and i've eaten TWO, count them TWO cadbury creme eggs tonight...guess its ok if i didnt have dinner. and i guess its even more ok that i'm not obese so i really got to stop thinking like i am.

after an hour of shopping...let's just say target's system was down and i walked out empty handed. patience tests. hit me with your best shot.

"...the books sat on the shelf lookin' much smarter than me..." ok modest mouse i'll start on my term paper...rawr.

spriiiing break. yeah. not tootin' my own horn here, more like pointing out my sad life. but when my literature proffessor was talking about those all of 3 people that will actually be on campuse during spring break and have never really had a spring break...i just sunk into my chair realizing that is me...i take my breaks during the school year i think, i think i've got it all wrong. did i mention i'm home alone on a saturday in HB...?

be here now.

you thought i had abandoned you eh? well, i almost did. but here i am at home at 8:45 at night alone for the first time in months, because his best friend just got dumped, so they went to have boy time. i've had him time all day, so its only fair.

its like a breath of fresh air really, these past 11 weeks, worshiping every step of each others as if we've known about this for years. almost like we have. we're best friends, thats what matters most, we have fun, who would've thought? so i've dissappeared. so what. let me tell you its been hard to make these piersiders my real genuine friends, dont get me wrong, they are, but i miss my mofo. bad. and recent contact with an what is now old friend has been a delightful surprise, i hope to see her soon, and it seems i've lost all contact with them up the mountain, don't know what i did, but i never see their faces anymore.




one day, it will be perfect. we have alot to look forward to.


22 in 2 days.
disneyland in 3 days.
home in 5 days.
midterms in 2 weeks.
Italy in 2 1/2 months.

Happy 2007!

new years was awesome, good party, good company, good hugs and kisses were had by all.
this is extremely short but....

it's real, it's fun, it's genuine, it's slow, and it's just what I needed/wanted. oh, ro-bear.

Los Angeles, you are too hott.

i honestly don't know who reads this anymore, if anyone. so hi kari. this is what you were thinking today...

This morning was crazy, woke up late, went running on the wet, soggy beach anyways, just in time for my roommate to jump in the shower before me, and boy does she love to shower. late to work as it was, no breakfast food, stole some of lisa's cereal. but driving through the alley caused it to spill through my center consal (sp?). that's right, two cup holders full of fiber o's and rice milk. i honestly thought of just eating it straight out of there for about 1 second, then i remembered all the dried spill sodas i had yet to clean up. yum.

and i must be PMSing...sorry if that was TMI, but i was listening to "baby its cold outside" yesterday and i found myself pissed off, that song is so messed up, the girl is just trying to be good and go home so her family won't worry and so they don't get into trouble, and he won't freaking let her leave! what the eff...than i stopped and realized what was happening. its a cute song, just a little messed up...

and i'm learning to dislike it all. thanks to some hacking and lieing going on my those who will remain nameless, i decided i don't like being apart of it. and he said, "hate the sin, love the sinner." but deleting myspace after almost 3 years of tons of memories, really kills me inside. so were gonna step back for a while. see what happens, but i really don't want to objectify myself that way.

and it was so sad, leaving disneyland last night because we were freezing our booties off, knowing were getting blacked out tomorrow, and we might not make it back for christmas. it will all soon be over. this christmas has definetley been the most cheery for me. maybe its the antique store, or the countless HB sweater parties, or "all i want for christmas is you" by mariah carey on repeat in my car, or the few, yet great, trips to disneyland with my favorite new season pass holder. whatever it was, i hope it was felt by everyone. as the cute little lady i work with wrote on a card to us today, MERRY EVERYTHING!

Me I want a hooola-hoooo

They keep playing this horrible 1993 TLC christmas song at work, i'm saying they might as well play the entire New Kids on the Block christmas album while their at it, and NSYNC too, yea they need more of that. Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays.

i bought my first christmas present today, as well as a pair of nude pumps, they were only $5.00. So someones getting something from me this year, this is looking promising.

"...and wonders of His love, and wonders of His love, and www-oonn-dde-rrrsss of His LOVE." Joy to the world.






I can't wait for tonight, for the first time in a loonnnnggg time.

Maybe men shouldn't be allowed on campus alone at night.

There's been rapes, and rumors of rapes, and sexual assaults. but all of them were walking alone, in an alley, all after 9pm. It's sad that i believe this but, what were they thinking?? da LBC has definetley proven itself.

17 units, i must be crazy, but not that crazy if you think about it, i'll be done in less than two years this way and then 4 more months of school being a possibility and part time teacher and part time facial girl, i think i could handle that. i love huntington beach, have i ever told you that?

oh mann, between the hours of 1pm and 5:30pm here at Lake Forest Antiques I feel pointless sir, next time i bring le devoir.

Last night it was amazing, truly unbelievable, i was on top of the world. I got to know my new bishop and were fitting me for a reccomend and a blessing. nothing could shake us now, we sat upstairs and shut the door to the questioning going on downstairs, and we talked all night about the glorious gospel and how we are each growing with each other and lifting each other up. goodness she's great. Alma 33:23. i will.


growing with every second, with faith in every footstep, it's like we're modern day pioneers "...the people in whose hearts i have written my law..." that's us!!



on friday, we did the unthinkable. with disneyland passes tomorrow there will be more.

little airplane in the sky

you point up at it, i watch your face as you watch it go by, everything is perfect."

what a picture to paint.


going on 7 days of this ailment that i insisted on ignoring for so long, until it finally came up to me and slapped me with a fever. but sorry, life still goes on. but home this weekend milking every second of my momma's lovin'.

so it's looking more like italy next june, 4 weeks, including venice, rome and london for around 7,000. then mom will meet me and we'll go to paris to practice my parisian knowledge and austria because she loves that castle, and maybe greece to see if its really what it's cracked up to be. but i'll come home to great friends with great stories and a whole new view of what everything is. yea, that's awesome.

empty house. not so empty stomach, its so time for bed.


"where would i be right now, if all my dreams had come true, deep down i know somehow, i would have never seen your face, this world would be a different place..." -mason

nothing in particular, just interesting to think about, how i totally know for so many reasons, why byu and/or chicago were just not for me. singing this to me after longing for columbia so often lately has really got me happy. not to mention short trips home. home.

where the sun had been

can you even believe it's fall already? i can. what a perfect day it was to sit under a tree that was pooping on me, studying art history and listening to Mozart in the dry cool breeze heat of this october day. perfect concentration weather.

tonight i got home and ate an avocado for dinner than headed off to the grocery store to simply look clueless the entire time. who knew baking could be so complicated. well when you're baking for the estimated 100+ people to show up at our little home tomorrow, some stress may be necessary. i hope everyone cleans up their messes and i come home to everything ready. we'll lock our door for sure.

and if i could make one wish come true right now, it would be for this frustration to end. a pleasant yet aggravating surprise last night, on his little skateboard down the street and then sitting so far away. it's almost like the fact that this would be worth it, that is making me stand across the room. quiet as ever.


halloween starts tomorrow. i will live my dream for one evening...shhhh they'll think i'm joking.

whole lotta walkin' to do.

for some reason melted peanut butter is one of my favorite foods. not cold. no, melted. reminds me of sophmore year, my mom used to pick me up from seminary and take me straight to school, she'd bring me a pb&j on toast with a travel mug full of a protein drink every morning. the pb was always plentiful and still warm. i bet you if i added whipping cream and put it in a pan i could make peanut butter fondue, right next to some nutella fondue, and that my friend is perfect dessert party status. i miss the food network.

midterms. right up until this point i really didn't think Long Beach was all that different from Moorpark. and what's even more odd is how relieved i am to figure out how wrong i was.

listening to Something Corporate when i should really blah blah blah....listen the point is this. this song takes me back to that one fourth of july when we sat on the roof of the parking structure with hundreds others of T.O.'s finest playing frisbee and eating otter pops. that's what the summers were about, and 5 new friends and my favorite green day sweatshirt. i don't know what it is that gets me so nostalgic whenever i hear andrew mcmahon's voice. and not to mention the countless disneyland and orange county trips, because we hated the LA scene, now i just love it all. i've given up on hating people/things.


happy 10 years Lake Forest Antiques, you will bring me headaches tomorrow, but after work will be rewarding enough, roommates and new friends. remember, i gave that other thing up. they're so lovely!

i think i've already made up my mind about what to do, shop or museum, but i'll keep the job.

fall, i almost loved you.

maybe i still can. the warm wind and the booming clouds gathering in between of beautiful sunlight, we just watched from inside as it all seemed to slowly creep in. and the drive home was be-a-u-tiful! i had never felt so small before. but as soon as i hit home, the rain, oh the RAIN! huge puddles everywhere, afraid to drive everywhere, parked in a lake and tromped inside to find the ceiling leaking onto our couch, and as i stood doing dishes and making myself an actual meal the lightning struck and the thunder roared...do you think my momma will come spend the night with me?

but rainy nights are really good to get homework done, i have absolutely no desire to be outside, or out of my house but inside still, doing something. socializing. having that infamous HB talk. so burnt out. plus portfolio reviews and midterms are coming up. let's be a good student kari. oh man nights and days like this make me want to go to a museum so bad.

and ohhh the blessing my new job has become, you know what happened today? my boss, aka Dennie, sat down with me and told me that i don't have to ever work sundays unless something comes up with her and she needs to go out of town or something etc. i hugged her and told her she had no idea how much that meant to me. i still don't think she does. everyones warming up to me, slowly yet surely i will have that place organized. bring it.

i saw her yesterday and we talked and it was so wonderful, she laughed at my jokes and i knew what she was thinking and it was all so familiar. "i miss you kari lynn." oh she has no idea how much i yearn for her. my arms tend to ache like a new mothers do for her newborn child. just come here. and the long hug goodbye and the tears in our eyes, we should meet weekly. it's decided, she's my best friend. i would go anywhere with her, anyday and i'd do it all for her in a heartbeat. the least i could do. momma i love you.


i finally got my death cab/jenny lewis tickets in the mail today. phew.

happy halloweenie you weenie.

i have found myself absolutely shocked to realize that it is now weird to me that i used to be her best friend. that we used to be so close. she seems like a complete stranger to me now. is that really her i used to go visit at work and get so excited to hang out with and spend days on end getting lost with and being sarcastic with. was that really her i bought jamba juice for puffy cheeks and spent hours in starbucks with? really?

i spent the evening in the 99 cents store and target buying halloween/fall decorations! yay! i find so much pleasure in being by myself listening to modest mouse decorating this newish home. and last night, i just watched, and it was fabulous. no longer afraid to be alone. thats why it was so pleasant earlier this evening, its all making sense.



that life, that life i had. full of 45 min. school/best friend trips and meeting at jamba before class when we really started to become strangers. that life of full-time kohl's with david and shelley and momma everynight to cry on and trev to chat art with. that life....it's gone. for good. not sure how i feel about this one.

urban tees.

protect that shake dresden. you go girl.




"this whole thing seems strange to me, breaks my heart...to know what that means, it means nothing."

oh mason, how does he know how to speak my mind so well

i started my new job today! that's right my NEW job, the latest i get off is 7 and i work as an assisstant manager of an antique/consignment/vendor store...yup. everyone i work with is pretty much over the age of 50...so thats going to be rough, being 21 and their boss. seems to be the story of my life, flashbacks of "hey mom...i mean toni, could you please do this and that and this and that..." role-switching, i actually truly miss those days at kohl's. but this feels so meant to be. maybe if i get less lazy and less school-y i can make some purses and jill (one of my new bosses) will let me put them in a case and sell them. and maybe, just maybe, i'll be doing what i love for the rest of my life. until then, well, this is what i love too.


up the mountain, but its so exciting, but sometimes after all the YSAness of here and the new jobs and the classes of lectures i don't agree with and the old friend memories and the runs on the beach...all i want is a reminder of what it's really all about, and a talk with natalie.

2 more years.

12 hours in a car with 7 people you don't know can result in the trip of a lifetime. and so it did.
and all day with gracie and archie proves that good friends are few and far between these days, grateful to have some here. girls night 2006. yea baby.

the tears that were so swollen the whole time, a prophet of God. amazing. i'd recommend it.


"what are you waiting for?" that's all he had to say and i was officially scared. he's right, i'm 21 and i want to own my own gallery and teach art history someday, but what i have done? so scared out of my mind i spent the whole day researching museums and jobs that can give me the experience i need. and tomorrow will be spent running around and gathering even more. on top of that i looked up new jobs, got a few to call today, trying to quit starbucks and not live that 80:20 lifestyle, if you know what i mean.


and i stopped by the study abroad booth yesterday...looks like my decision is almost official, Florence, Italy next june and july. yes pah-lease. they'll all be here when i get home right?

the terror.

i just walked out. and i sat on a bench and i cried. i could barely even believe that she would show us that. why would i ever subject myself to that. funny that i kinda knew it'd be ok for me not to go to class today, but i went anyway, and left. once the hymn started playing in my head the tears started to swell and i couldn't believe the overwhelmingly obvious absence of the spirit, the same one that was far away yelling at me to walk away, just walk away!
i guess that's what they call real, i guess that's what they call teaching lessons, and sure i did, i will never be that girl, i will never be such an object. but i knew that thank you, and i almost believe that watching that was just as bad as anything you're trying to teach me.
modest girls are the hottest girls. gosh i love the gospel.



utah in 6 hours.

over it.

i'm just writing this as a reminder to just live my life and love what i love because it's me and i love it, and to say what i say because its me and i love it, and to be a hermit like i love, because it's me and i love it. take that pierside.

strange how at home i am here. considering.

constant battles

so i'm paying for it, making the mistakes of having fun on the weekends, sitting stressed over 5 pieces of paper i have to turn in on thursday with some of my most intellectual work on them, just to see if i'll make it in that capstone class...to graduate someday.
and the gym waits. and the phonecalls wait. and the sunny day will slip away.

but the weekend was great, friday was karaoke like never before, and saturday with that little almost 5 year old i'm beginning to find it hard to recognize anymore and then a party almost like the old times, almost. part of it is gone, well we are, and it was almost diffucult, but there's new friends and closer friends that i love so much more that a drive home helped me recognize.



but I'm going to Utah this weekend! yep, yep off to p-town with some of my new found friends. but i'll stay with the golden ones. and maybe, just maybe i'll go to conference. not just watch it on TV and fight my closing eyes, no, no, go and be in the presence of a prophet of God, oh how i hope this will be.

sick. sick. SICK.

so it's struck me once again, stopped me dead in my path to recovery, almost like it was sayin' "i don't think so little lady." so work thinks i'm a slacker and school is going to suffer, but in the meantime, i'll sit TV-less in my empty house dieing for a jamba juice.

but tomorrow and this weekend will bring good tides. i know it.



Constantly in my prayers for the family of 14...can you imagine the posterity he has left behind, taken at a time that just feels necessary. the pain, the tears that have been felt by all for their loving mother. i learned to love her all those nights at kohl's with her 15% off coupons she never had. and now she faces the hardest thing our Heavenly Father has ever asked her to do. i know how it is to lose, not so suddenly, but i will offer my words and thoughts and lessons i have been taught over these past 10 years and hope that they will be comforted and pulled through this, oh please let them seek out wisdom in this.

similar issues. almost.

so i sat in class on tuesday almost getting teary eyed by the thought of Nils, and Frank, and Gigi, and even that poli. sci. jerk. why is it that i'm so dissapointed by my new professors? i mean they're actual professors. but it could be better. i find myself uninspired and doodling in my margins to keep some artistic stimulation going. so do i search for a new school? or do i tough it out and really search next semester? ask around, talk to my counselor. or is this just all a sign for the worst, that i'm just not cut out for this art history thing. but what about my gallery, and my curator job at the MOCA? it has all felt so right for so long, now this? and then i think what about nutrition? or fashion? or skin? but i'm so far so i'll get my bachelor's and maybe sign up for that watercolor class at the community center and see what my heart says then. and for tonight, i'll just go shake it like a polaroid picture.

come on in.

Can you even believe it? Reason number 456816 to love Ventura.






oh the familiarity, oh the reliability. what simple pleasures being around those that know you better than anyone you've seen in about 3 weeks. oh the joy. using all of natalie's new toys and cooking dinner with her, i'll just live vicariously through her until it happens for me...oh my favorite little home maker.

and i'm going home tomorrow, home. now i'll tell you it's strange because all in all i'm not what you would call "homesick" more of what you would call "lovesick". if that makes sense. but this place is getting lovelier and lovelier. can you even imagine it.

experience number one of procrastination today. oh school, now that i see that brighter side, i think i'm almost done.



one letter. ten months. their words. oh what does this all mean.